My 4yo wanted to show me how she’d put her little brother to bed. When we opened his door, he was up playing with toys. She cried NO YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO STAY IN BED and my oh my, how the tables have turned
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Not to brag but I don’t need alcohol to do something stupid.
”Hey, you like water? yes? well I can turn it into wine.” -Jesus flirting in a bar
this is going to be a tight week. is stealing still wrong and stuff?
[Watching the news]
This is all wrong, villains are supposed to be fictional characters.
can’t wait to fulfill my lifelong dream of going to japan and buying a samurai sword out of a vending machine
I located my husband. He binge watched season 3 of Cobra Kai in one evening then left home to start his own dojo. Please respect my privacy at this time.
Nothing makes my kid understand the value of money more than me owing them $4.37
[at the store]
Me: Your powers are weak, old man
Wife: …
Me: The force is strong with this one
Wife: …
Me: Together we can rule the galaxy
Wife: …
Me: Luuuuuuuke, I am your father
Wife: Can you just pick out a damn fan already?
gryffindor: i only want the bravest
slytherin: i only want the most cunning
ravenclaw: i only want the smartest
hufflepuff: WOW you guys are pretentious
“I’m the world champion of hearing,” I lied to the girl at the bar. 20 minutes later the real world champion burst in and hit me in the jaw
Me: *lets a radio active spider bite me*
[hours later]
Me: * uncontrollably eating bugs* THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE DEAL
Pack a bag, we’re going on a tangent.
“It’s ok. This is normal for her.”
– How my friends explain me to others.
Garbage disposals are great for redesigning silverware.
You shouldn’t be allowed to wear animal print if you are bigger than said animal.
The Alabama Supreme Court has blocked same-sex marriage on the legal grounds that it is 1953.
“Let’s circle back”
– Lame corporate jargon
– No flair
– Boring“Let’s do the hokey pokey and turn this thing around”
– Unconventional
– Also useful at weddings
– Decisive (shows leadership)
– That’s what it’s all about
God: thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s wife
Joseph:
God: starrrrrting now
I hope my dog doesn’t turn out weird because she’s being homeschooled.
(Going to Wife’s Work Party)
WIFE: Don’t just be quiet like last time.
(Later at Dinner)
ME: Did you know marsupials are not a kind of soup?
[Sick salmon goes to oracle.]
O seer, will I be cured?
*oracle looks into the future, sees giant package of lox*
-Yes you will, my son.
son: can I ask you a random question?
me: brother, what do you think we’ve been doing the last seven years?
Smooth Criminal: I use a razor
Smoother Criminal: I get laser treatments
Smoothest Criminal: *it’s just an Asian guy laughing at them both*
I made a mix tape for a girl in the 90’s & she responded by giving me a blank cassette titled “What I Like About You”.
#rubbishjokes
Noah’s diary – 39th day:“The dragon pie was really scrumptious.”
My 42 yr old friend is dating a 24 yo guy, she caught him cheating so she took away his play station for a week
Life before kids: Owns 1 pair of scissors and knows exactly where they are.
Life after kids: Owns 16 pairs of scissors and has a better chance of seeing God than finding them.
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
WIFE: Do we have any orange juice?
ME: I don’t think so
WIFE: Well do we have any orange juice concentrate?
ME: I AM CONCENTRATING!
I made a female coworker cry on her birthday. For future reference, “I thought you were way older than that” is not a compliment.