If your Dad leaves, just act like you’re installing a new screen door. All the Dads of the neighborhood will gather round. Pick your new Dad
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3:27 am is a fine time to walk around on someone’s back
– my cat
Friend: [admiring photo of me, my husband, two sons and our dog] What a beautiful family.
Me: [whispering] My whole house smells like pee.
thanksgiving should be called feaster
Now I find out my ground hands are actually called feet wtf is going on today
Depressed? Try changing your bedding. Cedar chips are for guinea pigs & may not be right for you
The fact that it’s still not legal to print your own money is bullshit.
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re extremely critical
me: so they’re awake, that’s good
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
Turns out I can hold my breath with a pillow over my face way longer than an old person. Innocent mistake..
why he move like a hotel transylvania character
When a mom hears the words
“Mom, don’t be mad…”
We either think you spilled your drink or committed armed robbery, there is no in between.
[both me and the child chasing me with a knife slow to a walk as we go by the pool]
Emperor: How are my elite troops doing on Endor?
Vader: They were all viciously murdered by teddy bears.
Emperor: That sounds plausible.
Angel: They’re gonna shave you & make stuff outta your hair
Sheep: OK
Angel: They’re gonna ride on your back & use you to pull things
Horse: Got it
Angel: And you–
Cow: You got anything a little kinky?
Angel: Oh we got you covered
I chose to wash dishes before I went to a doctors appointment yesterday, and after examining me, my new doctors first question to me was, “does your hand usually smell like chicken?”
I’d pay a premium to stay in a hotel that dispensed knockout gas when it sensed loud hallway talkers.
Nut allergies are proof that trees are taking their revenge after generations of us stealing their young.
We were watching a reality show with really annoying people and I said they made me wanna puke and my husband said he wanted to torch the TV and my 13yo was like “just let them be happy” and I don’t know how we raised a child who doesn’t know how to hate watch something properly.
If y’all are gonna insist on calling those things “hoverboards,” I’ll be over here flying around with my “jetpack.”
A rusted van sits under a bridge.
Rats gnaw on moldy Scooby Snacks.
Shaggy takes a hit off the pipe.“WHY COULDN’T YOU LOVE ME VELMA?”
Bros, I have a code-red bro alrert. My wife tried the lawn mower and now she knows it’s fun af. She wants to trade chores! Help me!
My child is sniffing a bruise on his arm to figure out how badly it hurts.
New research reveals that “the printer’s not working” is the third most common English phrase, right behind “thank you” and “go f*** yourself”
*sees co-worker outside of work, hisses like a cat*
Zac meets Ron
Zac dates Ron
Zac takes Ron home
Zac Efron
I’m from the 80’s. We ate cookies instead of deleting them.
I finally wore the shirt my boyfriend bought for me last Christmas and he asked if I was wearing a new shirt and that my friends is what relationships are all about
It’s like my nana once said….
You know you can block people on Twitter who confuse crochet with knitting, right?
A woman told me at dinner she liked me because I’m “not afraid to eat bread”–so I’m done with socializing for at least a year thanks