Dating is an expensive way to find out you don’t like someone.
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It still works 🤷🏼♀️
[4:30am]
ME: *shifts slightly in bed*
DOG: *races across house* IS IT TIME TO GO OUT NOW?
Right before you die, maybe yell out something funny, like “hi God- wait a minute, YOU’RE NOT GOD”
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
If you don’t stop holding those grudges they’re never going to learn to walk on their own.
Real estate agent: You can’t get cell phone calls out here.
Me: We’ll take it.
I forgot the word “rake” so I called it a yard comb.
Me: I’m a mature adult woman who can handle anything
Also me: *has to pack my blankie wherever I go or I can’t sleep*
When I go to type “Lmaooooooooo” and accidentally forget the A
Like Grandma used to say, if it seems too good to be true buy as much of that shit as you can.
Grandma drank a lot. We miss her.
The sauciest 1% of Americans are saucier than the bottom 95% combined.
Kermit goes Blue.
Used shampoo instead of shower gel and now my body has up to 70% more body.
My husband said I need a scary costume for Halloween this year, so I’m dressing up as a Positive Pregnancy Test.
I’m not saying that I haven’t slept for a while, but could you kindly ask your eyebrows to stop rearranging themselves on your face?
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: How long has it been since you showered?
*notices my tinder match has “catholic” in their bio*
me: so how long have u been addicted to cats
Pretty sure I could never successfully get away with a crime. I shed as bad as the cats! 😹
When the person ahead of you joins the rewards program, you should get 10% off just for waiting.
No pizza delivery in prison is the reason why I haven’t murdered anyone yet.
i like dropping off a tweet to FB & watch as everyone cautiously forms a circle around it, looking confused while prodding it with a stick.
My aunt’s ex-boyfriend’s mailman’s brother said it on Facebook so I don’t think any further research is necessary.
banking website: thank you for your transfer as a reminder the total you can move between accounts in any one given business day is $1,000,000
me, sitting on a milk crate in a studio apt i share with two other guys: ok
Me: C’mon, baby. Just the tip?
Her: No!
Me: Awww, cmon!
Her: No, you’re paying the whole bill this time.
me: it was my first day in prison, so I went up to the biggest, scariest guy and punched him
St. Peter: then what happened
Honey, I made the news! Apparently that old lady I fought at the library wasn’t a ghost
john denver: 🎵life is old there. older than the trees.🎶
me: wow that’s old.
john denver: 🎵younger than the mountains🎶
me: oh not that old then.
My daughter just said The Offspring is classic rock.
I don’t want this one anymore someone come get her.
My 3yo came running towards me, I opened my arms ready for the biggest hug from him until he stopped right in front of me, wiped his nose on my sleeve and ran away
That’s motherhood summed up for you
me: do you know what sarcasm is?
daughter: no I do not, please enlighten me, father
me: ok, well it mea-*squints eyes* wait a minute…