I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
You Might Also Like
Goblin adventurer whose catchphrase is “no goblemo”
Wife: Why can’t you be more spontaneous?
Me: *jumps out the window*
No one:
Me: oh thank you I got it on sale.
Thoughts while driving:
-Hope that light stays green.
-Hope it stays yellow.
-Hope no one saw me run that red light.
Just right now my only wish is for everyone to go to bed so I can eat my secret second dinner.
Just know that when I say “the other day” I actually mean anytime between yesterday and 10 years ago.
Found out my sіster ate my leftovers whіle І was at work, now І’m starіng out the wіndow lіke І’m іn a sad early 2000’s musіc vіdeo.
This is from an actual conversation 🤣🤣
Scientist: We don’t really know exactly how that happens. They’re performing electron microscopy, PCR, & tissue cultures to figure it out
Random person: Did you try searching the internet?
Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.
date: [pulls away from kissing] let’s move this to your bed
me: [sitting on a futon] you’re not gonna believe this
I’m fine with premarital sex, but marital sex just seems weird. That’s your roommate. Boundaries.
Believe it or not I’m listening to the Final Countdown in the grocery store. Now you’re hearing it too.
10 year old: What was it like?
Me: What was what like?
10: Being alive in the 1900’s?
Me: Go to your room.
I found an old set of stationary I ordered when I was 10 … will be using it for all future business correspondence
Working from home has been nice but I’m starting to really miss frantically pressing the “close door” button as my coworker sprints towards the elevator
Marvel, DC, and the world unite to agree on one SUPERVILLAIN to rule them all….
The Guy Who Determines Snack Food Serving Sizes.
I have no idea how other people get off the plane looking lovely when I look like a grease covered cheese puff someone found at the bottom of their purse
Dad, I think you need to pay the milk man. One of his goons is here
therapist: Any traumatic events from your past?
me: *deep breath*
therapist: besides the first ten minutes of Up
me: *slow exhale*
A young Bruce Wayne falls into a cave full of pugs. He later becomes Pugman and keeps the streets of Gotham clean and downright adorable.
life is a highway and I’m afraid to merge
The zombie I shot earlier may have just been a kid with chapped lips. I don’t take any chances.
This horse is a great reminder that our generation did not invent shitposting, it merely adapted it to another form
Capitalism is making me sad so I’m going to buy myself a little something.
Newlywed advice: Grab the covers on the first night and tuck them under your side like you’re staking down a tent
Toy designer: a remote control car that’s rechargeable!
Executive: But how will we still make this awkward for parents who buy them for their kids?
TD: oh.. we’ll just make it so you still need batteries for the controller
My 7-year-old wrote this joke:
What’s a zombie’s favorite weather?
A brainstorm.I’ve never been more proud.
Judge: We only asked you to state your name.
James Loves Murder: I said I plead the 5th!
Luggage is like children. If you leave the airport with two out of three suitcases you did alright.
If your cat is your “child,” I bet its “grandparents” are “sad”