Good thing you put a swing in your birds cage he’s probably on that thing like
“MAN THIS IS WAY BETTER THAN FLYING”
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being a pirate is so easy…I can do it standing on one leg
Tinder isn’t a babysitting app. Apologies to Crystal and Janine for the misunderstanding.
Eight maids a-milking
Seven swans a-swimming
Six geese a-laying
Five onion rings
Four calling birds
Three french hens
Two turtle doves, and
A partridge in a pear tree….Dwayne Johnson: Yup, that’s today’s meal prep done!
Me: i wish for chips
Genie: done
Me: i wish for salsa
Genie: …why didn’t you just wish for chips & salsa?
Me: ah…i wish I hadn’t doneNO WAIT
Me: You’re going to disagree with this statement.
Wife: No I’m not.
When my girl was five I was reading to her from a little book about George Washington.
Me: As a boy he liked to ride horses and fish.
Her: He liked to ride fish?!
It’s been nine years but in my mind he’s still riding that big beautiful fish.
I’m sorry this birthday cake suffered a severe accident where my hand fell into it and a chunk of it filled my mouth.
interviewer: do you feel like you have grown as a person?
me: ok well I was literally like a foot tall when I was born
Him: If you’re so smart, name all 50 states!
Me: Drunken, Stoned, tipsy, sad, happy, sloppy, loved, confused, exhausted, ecstatic, fatigued…
Him: Ok,enough FFS.
Me: oooo, angry!
Don’t let herpes become yourpes.
Interviewer: What makes you unique?
Me: I’m loyal to a fault, don’t gossip, & work hard.
I: Yeah, so, you’re not really going to fit in.
My 11 has all these girls texting him, and I’m so worried about him growing up too fast. I check his search history and I see “how to convince my mom to let me get a parakeet.”
I think I’m good.
According to the CDC, the leading cause of death in 2016 was having a career in the 80’s that brought you any level of fame
My husband won’t stop playing Call of Duty on his phone… with his friends… with no headphones. I would like to request one murder hornet please.
Me: did you throw these rocks in my pool?
3yr old son: nope. Maybe they fell out of a rock tree.
Me: ok.
Never mess with a drunken pig.
*pulls pristine, luscious lips out of an ornate golden box*
“Actually, THIS is the mouth I kiss my mother with”
I miss the days of Agatha Christie when rich people only murdered each other.
I asked my dog to marry me and he said no. I am stuck in man’s best friendzone.
doctor: and how long has your most recent panic attack been going on
me: probably since the summer of 2015
coworker: what do u think happens after we die
me: when I die, nothing
coworker: what about when I die
me: I get arrested
I’ll never rob a store because I don’t want to see the police guess my weight on a wanted poster.
My eyebrows are looking ferocious. They’re about to hop off my face & maul someone.
rent? again? no no you must be mistaken, i only just recently paid rent last month
I just want my kid to do what I say when I say it but at the same time be a free thinker that doesn’t just accept whatever is told to him. Is that really so much to ask?
Therapist: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Would I be here if I did? Did you really go to school for this shit?
My husband said something about me reminds him of Jennifer Lawrence
I don’t know what he wants from me but whatever it is he’s going to get it
35% of all hospital deaths are caused by the attending physician failing to yell “Don’t you die on me!” at the right moment.
8-year-old: I’m glad it’s the weekend.
Me: You were only at school for two days.
8: You weren’t there.
Want guests to leave early? Don’t give them your WiFi password
You’re welcome