A moment of silence for all those who are stuck in traffic, trying to get to the gym, to ride stationary bikes…
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Diet app pops up “What did you have for dinner?”
*looking at glass of wine*
*turns off phone*
#SexEdWontTeachYou how to deal with idiots…
If a girl has magnetic personality and still She can’t attract the desired boy.
Then that means the boy has iron deficiency.
[baking a cake]
Niece: *greasing pan* uncle Jeff, are all cakes made in pans?
Me: *pouring batter* as far as I know
Niece: so technically all cakes are pancakes and we can eat them for breakfast
Me:
Niece:
Me: you’re my favorite
date: I’m sick of bad boys, I want something more
me: *puts Bad Boys 2 into the VCR* this is gunna blow your mind
Every night when you sleep,I sneak into your house, full of desire.
I then reduce the amount of marshmallowy treats in your cereal&go home.
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
Once I saw a post about someone setting up a snail habitat and they included empty snail shells in a tiny graveyard, in case mourning was an essential snail need
My boyfriend is not like other guys. He wants to date me
Bomb squad: sir, please clear the area while we locate the device
Me: did you… did you bring the bomb sniffing dog?
Bomb squad: YOU AGAIN
Wife: We need to talk
Me, absolutely panicking: What
Wife: We need to start buying the big jars of peanut butter
Leaned over to give my dog a kiss and he lifted his paw to shake hands, I’ve been friendzoned by my dog
Me, wide awake after staying up all night:
*Sings loudly*
*Dancing around*
*Way too chipper*
*Annoying my friends and family*My neighbor: Good Morning!
Me: How dare you speak to me so early in the morning? Have you no respect?
the subway employee asks me what kind of cheese i would like on my sandwich, so i lean in, look them directly in the eyes & whisper, “haunted.”
Angry drunks make no sense to me, I can only get upset when I’m not drinking.
He thinks the stuffed animals in my room are creepy, but I can’t think of a cuter way to hide all those cameras.
Woman came up to me in Target & whispered, “You have toilet paper hanging out of your shorts.”
I said, “Well don’t you have nerve. No one EVER bothers me about my tail at the WalMart.”
Between the potato masher and the apple slicer, it’s a wonder my kitchen drawer opens.
Correction: It doesn’t.
I was waiting for my wife to try on clothes & spoke to this woman for almost 20 minutes until I looked up & noticed her head was missing.
If you rub two sticks together fast enough, you’ll eventually start a widespread panic on the subway.
[first day on wind farm]
me: *placing bucket under turbine* what do I squeeze
A cop pulled me over because he thought I was talking on a cell phone but really I was just rubbing a slice of pizza on the side of my face
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
I’m always trying to trick my wife into believing that one of her favorite celebrities is Canadian. I call it mooselighting.
*takes long drag off cigarette*
No one digs a well at the top of a hill, so what the hell were Jack and Jill doing up there?
“Do you want to have fun but also get more mad than you’ve ever been in your life?” – video games
I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.
[Restaurant]
Date: I like guys who plan ahead
Me: Excuse me, waiter! *Leans in* Make sure my widow here is well looked after
That toilet didn’t deserve what I did to it today.