i make my smoothies with a handful of kale, parsley, cabbage, broccoli, lemon zest and ice and blend it all in the garbage disposal.
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You’re not respected until you’ve been led away from a buffet by police.
6yo: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you.
6yo: You’re the best mommy in the whole world!
Me: We may need to work on raising your standards if that’s your definition of “best.”
“If someone wanted to murder you, a night light wouldn’t stop them”
I will never lie to my future children.
I was the most experienced baker at a bread factory. A roll model, if you will.
Is there a way I can filter out all work emails except the ones telling me there are donuts or cake in the office?
364 DAYS: Astrology’s silly and baseless and I’m not a conceited Leo at all
ON MY BIRTHDAY: It’s still baseless but please worship me today
Magician: Abracadabra!
[cloud of smoke as woman volunteer disappears]
Husband (stands up): YES! …I mean, noooo. *quietly sits down*
Okay with female deers & drops of golden sun. But always felt that “La” deserved a better identity than “a note to follow So”
FOMO? No, I’ve got FOBI. Fear of being invited.
*travels to Tibet*
*scales Mount Makalu*
*finds sacred Guru on the summit*Guru: We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.
At the age where a big break could mean either my career or a hip
“Where do babies comes from?”
Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much they make poor decisions.
It started with a star and ended with a restraining order.
oh ffs josh did you not read the email
Sex in the snow is wintercourse.
You know what sucks about Karaoke?
Coworkers don’t appreciate the time & effort that I put into my make up or outfit before singing Madonna
I’ve never been on a vehicle that was hijacked but I have been on a boat driven by a teenager and I think the level of fear is probably the same
A family of crows flying into a windmill is a murder suicide
My 4yo is crying because she has outgrown her clothes during quarantine.
Same girl, same.
Funny how the more time we spend at home, the more we look like homeless people.
i made a promise to myself that if i ever get an island the first thing that i will do is put some dinosaurs on it.
Crazy how they’re still wasting money on sleep research, when we all already know that the necessary sleep time is five minutes more.
“We were trapped in the elevator and had to make a terrible decision”
Which was?
“We ate Bill”
OMG. How long were you in there?
“4 minutes”
Me: Delete it!
Nightclub security: [rewatching the tape of a girl rolling the collar of my turtleneck up over my head while I’m talking to her] Lol never.
Me: I wish Inigo Montoya appeared everytime “literally” is misused and did his “You keep saying that word“ bit
Genie: That ones on the house
nice thing about dating a doctor is if you wanna stop seeing them, you can just eat an apple
BAKER: Baking is a science that requires precision, timing, and accurate measurements. OK… 11, 12, 13. Anyway, here’s a dozen cupcakes.
Does anyone else pack underwear for a trip like they’re planning on shitting themselves twice for every day they’re gone?
And Satan said “Let them drink instant coffee”.
The grass is fuckin greener wherever you water it…….
….idiot….