This hospital has everything
You Might Also Like
I scroll twitter wen I use the bathroom at nite bc I’m afraid of the dark, n that way I feel like all my mutuals r peeing w/ me
“p” in my name stands for patience and that’s why it’s not there
I always run towards screaming. Sure, it could be a horrible murder in progress. BUT it could also be ice cream.
I don’t watch wedding shows and get excited about getting married but I do watch Dateline and get excited about being murdered.
My girlfriend was bitten by a chicken. Now every full moon I’ll have to date a were-chicken.
Put a mirror on the ceiling.
She said.
It will be sexy.
She said.
Terrify yourself every morning.
I found out.
Not gonna elaborate, but I just found out the hard way that the phrase isn’t “self defecating humour”
Money doesn’t grow on trees. Your move, multinational agricultural biotechnology corporations.
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
OK! EAT ME NOW
Oh! Too lateBananas
I hate when someone finds out I read the same book they did and thinks we’re in some kind of a gang or something.
*Do not consume if seal is broken*
I’ve just gone through this whole box of animal crackers and haven’t found one seal.
Me: no way you could see that with your naked eye
7yo: *shocked* my eye is not naked
Whenever a guy peeps into my phone, I open the front cam and take a selfie with him.
Boss: I’m afraid I’m going to have to let you go
Me (a trapeze artist): Now!?!?
I feel tired and weak. Probably just getting older and nothing is wrong. Well, time to read the news
“You’re running into trouble requesting something because there’s a late book on your account.”
“See, this is why I don’t like using the library. It takes me time to read things! How long have I had it out?”
“I mean, about seventy-two months. But hey I’m all for pacing yourself.”
[riding crowded elevator]
Me: jeez louise, how many stops is this thing gonna make
Jeez Louise: five
Today our 4yo insisted on a large bowl of Golden Grahams, banana, and milk for breakfast, so long story short, my breakfast was 99% of a large bowl of Golden Grahams, bananas and milk
Please make sure your kid’s middle name pairs well with their first name because you’ll be yelling that combo more than you think.
The Macarena is pretty menacing if you do it in silence in the queue at the bank.
A 5yo’s energy is wild. How are you doing parkour while you relax and watch tv? Why are you upside down? Relax, please I’m getting tired just watching you hahah
[family vacation]
Son: how much farther?
Me: call me dad
My two favorite things about Easter morning are (1) hiding the eggs and (2) the looks on my kids’ faces when the snakes start to hatch.
I hated spiders even before my girlfriend left me for one.
I miss Taco Bell so much that tonight I drank a bottle of gorilla laxative.
The closest I’ll ever come to performing in the circus is standing on a swivel chair trying to reach the vodka I told my friend to hide.
If you love someone just tell them. Or get drunk and text them 75 times, that’s practically the same thing.
I put the h in mysterious.
We need to put an end to all these motion activated Halloween props displayed in the stores. I prefer to do all my leaping and high pitched fear shrieking at home.
WIFE: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas.
ME: {drinking toast} Why?