When I track packages I ordered, I don’t use the number. I use footprints, broken leaves, and the smell of blood.
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My college roommate made a student film about a guy’s life falling apart from drugs. A neighbor saw the baking soda lines on the Frankenstein poster in my room. She whispered, “Is Jake ok? Now I know why he looks so strung out.” “It’s fine, he’s just an engineering student.”
Dentist: “Wow your teeth really got yellow since last time. I’m prescribing a new Snapchat filter.”
You know you’re old when you see how many women Pete Davidson has been dating and your first thought is “he must be so tired”
According to the amount of chocolate I’ve eaten this year in these Advent calendars there’s 127 days in December.
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
My ex-husband’s mother invited me to lunch for my birthday and tbh, I’d rather be torn apart by wolverines and thrown into a vat of acid so naturally, I told her I’d check my schedule.
Crowds hated it but the best weapon for fighting a lion in the gladiator ring was a spray bottle and a firm “NO.”
Cop: License and registration, please.
Me: Sure, can you hold my beer?
Me: *cooking a Caribbean meal*
Her: smells great in there, and I hear you’re playing a little steel drum music to get us in the mood
Me: *frantically scraping cremated jerk chicken from pan* steel drum music, yes
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“Hi. Long time listener, first time caller.”
“That’s really funny.”
“Thank you. Anyways, I’m being stabbed.”
Ok, all you people who adopt dogs and put “who rescued who?” stickers on your car… you drive me crazy!
Clearly it’s “who rescued whom?”
I’m too polite to tell you that I dislike you, but if I ever serve you kale…take the hint.
[HONK HONK]
…one more honk and I’m gonna…
[HONK]
*gets out of my car*
*walks to the car behind me*
*feeds the driver’s goose some bread*
[I dont get invited to a party]
me: shit
[I get invited to a party]
me: Shit.
buy a fitted sheet one size bigger than your mattress and start living your life
Two reasons you never date at work: 1. HR frowns upon it. 2. Your partner gets super pissed.
Me: I can’t believe you read horoscopes, such garbage.
Her: You’re right. When are you shaving again?
Me: Not til after the playoffs..why?
I love how ‘voice to text’ is always so a carrot
This chick last night told me to do her like her ex husband so I drained her bank accounts and banged her sister
Spielberg missed a great opportunity when he didn’t put FIN at the end of Jaws.
me: babe get your finger measured
her: [hopeful] is it for what i think it is?
me: [ordering custom puppets] you’ll see
Failed long-term relationships are never a total waste. They teach you valuable life skills, like how to carve profanity into car paint.
My kid: *does something cute*
Me: That’s great, sweetie, now please can you do it again in a cleaner part of the house so I can take a photo?
That scene in Pulp Fiction where Vincent revives Mia by stabbing her in the chest with an adrenaline shot, except it’s me on a Saturday morning when my kid shoves his finger in my nostril to wake me up.
Social distancing has taken all the fun out of avoiding people.
how are we still getting a new year? we couldn’t even take care of the last one
kids will lie to you then straight up tell you they were joking like no my dude jokes have a punchline not a line of ants coming from a kool-aid puddle
My son has been awake for 15 minutes which means he’s been telling me all about his favorite video game for 15 minutes.
Me: *reciting passage from The Satanic Bible*
Them: You idiot, what have you done? You WOKE the devil!
Lucifer: Intestines are just water slides for your poop
Wait, so hallways in mental institutions aren’t called psychopaths? Well they should be.