Math teacher; suppose you have five friends
Me:
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Waitress: need anything else?
Me: yes, a cup of black coffee.
W: and how would u like your coffee?
M: uhhh..black and in a cup?
The first 600 years or so of heaven is just harp lessons
toddler *begs me to take him to get ice cream*
me: Ok
[standing in line]
me: Do you know what do you want?
toddler: Chicken nuggets
If your pee smells like burnt toast it’s time to get some new pee.
Me: If we weren’t related, I’d totally sleep with you. Hot girl: But we aren’t related. Me: Oh good, so you feel the same way too
So when a bear steals a picnic basket it’s “endearing” and “funny” but when I do it it’s “rude” and “unsanitary”
Only two things are certain: death, and Princess Diana’s face on at least one grocery store magazine
Friend: *finger guns*
Me: *looks down at finger knives* oh no
Remember fellas, always take comfort in the fact that most hot girls are a fuckin pain in the arse
When I was pregnant and people would ask where I was registered I’d reply:
Pet Smart, we’re crate training this one
Me: Well, well, well. Look who’s come crawling back
Baby: [pretends like she doesn’t hear my extremely witty comment]
her: so do you have air conditioning
me: no, only fans
Me: Man T-Rexes looked so cool
Scientist: Nah actually they looked like giant idiot birds
Me: Oh bummer. They were great hunters tho
Scientist: There’s evidence they were scavengers
Me: Ok maybe just stop ruinin-
Scientist: They wore socks with sandals
my dad has had enough
Personal Trainer: No pain, no gain
Me: Deal
Me: Chris Pratt and Anna Faris are separating.
Wife: Who gets the raptors?
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
Neighbor: hey, it looks like my trampoline got blown into your yard during the storm last night
Me: no, that’s mine
Neighbor: it’s definitely mine
Me: no, it was gifted to me by the sky gods
Neighbor: I’m taking it back
Me: ok, but the sky gods won’t be pleased about this
ME: [holding up boombox outside your bedroom window] DO YOU HAVE FOUR D BATTERIES THAT I COULD BORROW
I am never angrier with myself than when I realize I accidentally bought scented garbage bags
A fun thing to do is sign your kids up for a class they’re dying to take and then listen to them complain about it for the next 8 weeks.
One minute you’re young and carefree and the next you’re stuck on a park fence you thought you could still jump over 😬🤭
me: [a pilgrim seeing something new] imma put a buckle on that
I took a “Which Friends character are you?” quiz and I got The Central Perk couch.
[On my death bed]
My son: Before you go, could you make me pancakes?
It turns out when someone asks who your favorite child is, you’re supposed to choose from your own. I know that now.
Cauliflower has a good publicist.
Had a spot of bother earlier.
me: head, shoulders, knees and toes, eyes and ears and mouth and nose
CDC: no
I have two kinds of followers