Jesus turned water into wine.
I turn food into fertilizer.
We are not the same.
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Me: how is she?
Dr: well we’ve managed to save the leg
Me: oh thank god
Dr: she died
Me: …
Dr: so do you want the leg or what?
“Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.”
That’s why I keep everyone who comes to visit in the freezer.
*undercover cop knocks* Hi fill out this survey to win a free IPad!
1. name
2. address
3. email
4. where are drugs
*mustache falls off*
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
“The truth is out there” yes and that’s why I stay inside
[job interview]
“any questions?”
yeah is it Pets Mart or Pet Smart?
“ma’am this is a bank”
I know but you seem like a man with some answers
I know we are at war here, but, who didn’t pick up after their dog?
Wore my clip-on, flip-up sunglasses in my dating profile pic, because women don’t easily forget something like that.
Establish dominance. Never let a dog lick you first
if aliens came to earth and found out that there was a department called ‘human resources’ in every single business they’d be like “oh crap there are other aliens here already” and i think that is very smart of us
GROCER: slide your card
ME: it didn’t work
GROCER: does it have a chip?
ME: *puts hand over pringle in my pocket I was saving for later* no
Going to a wedding this weekend. Can’t decide if I want to sit on the bride’s side or groom’s side because that’s basically choosing who I will represent in their future divorce. No pressure.
I live in fear of the day my kid asks “where’s all my other drawings?”
Just ate at a Japanese restaurant and the entire staff was Hispanic. I don’t know what is real anymore!
“caramelized” is just a word chefs use if they burn things
caramelized onion
caramelized apple
caramelized todd from HR who tried to diss me
Patiently waiting for the spooky season like:
Them: You need to get a sense of humor.
Me: You need to say something funny.
A saltwater crocodile’s bite can exert up to 3,700 lbs of pressure per square inch, which scientists say is notably less than that produced by my Dad Stare. Tread carefully, chief
IAN: I broke my leg once
ME: I’ve never broken a bone, touch wood [touches wood]
THE UNIVERSE: THIS MAN WILL NEVER BREAK A BONE
*bringing a parachute as my hand luggage on any Boeing flight from here on in
If I insult you, I’m either flirting or genuinely don’t like you. Good luck with that.
I give my stoner friends fruitcake for Christmas just so I can imagine them hating me a little while they can’t help eating it.
Diarrhea. Having it. Spelling it.
Everything about it is shit.
If a bear attacks you, the best thing to do is play dead. Unless it’s Dave, the Necrophiliac Bear
Dear God I need smarter followers.
God: Me too.
People on Twitter are like “My fake kid can out debate your fake kid on whatever world issue is currently fake popular!”
Digs hole so deep to bury feelings I end up in China
Him: why do you keep poking me ?
Her: I’m looking for the mute button
My daughter picked up my husbands kettleball and tried swinging it and ended up knocking a hole in the wall. She looks over at me and says, “Is that okay?”
I’m like sure, we always wanted a hole in the wall so go on with ya bad self!
My body language is more audible than visual.
*stomach growls