We’ve all talked about throwing a dirty dish away instead of washing it. But only some of us have done it.
You Might Also Like
My neighbors have been calling for their cat for 15 minutes. I’ve been meowing out the window for 30.
Ways to look busy:
1. Turn up later than everyone else but rush into the office looking annoyed
2. Act like spending half an hour in the toilet has annoyed you
3. Rush around with an open laptop looking annoyed
4. Get annoyed at a printer
5. Just generally look annoyed
Wife: But the zoo told you never to come back
Me: [loading hotdogs into shotgun] Those giraffes can’t live on salad, Eleanor
The reason Latin is a dead language is because they kept accidentally summoning demons during regular conversations
I think people who “like” bloody Mary’s are lying
Cold vodka tomato soup? Let’s be serious
I’m always disappointed when a bio states ‘avi not me’ especially when it’s an animal or a cartoon.
If you work for UPS or FedEx, you speak Parceltongue.
Is it cheating to ask the Ouija board for Worlde answers?
Even on my death bed my wife will be telling me how she had a worse day than me.
“Let the jerk-off begin!”
As the other contestants begin seasoning their meats I look at my bottle of lotion and realize I’ve misunderstood
[robbing a bank]
accomplice: nice pantyhose
me: thanks
accomplice: on your face next time tho ok
The best part about diet and exercise plans is the research phase. Which is why I stop there
Wife: “Did you know that some idiot paid $96,000 for Princess Leia’s gold bikini?”
Me: [nervously tightening my robe] “Who would do that?”
Keep in mind that parenting guides are written by people with enough free time & financial resources to write a parenting guide.
Judge: “How do you plead?”
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: “Hot milky”
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Don’t talk to the cashier get your shit and move on. If you need someone to talk too get a parrot
“I can’t, too busy”:
– no one believes you
– tired
– allows for future invitations“I can’t. Not since the accident”
– mysterious
– fresh
– prevents future invitations
[Reality TV]
HOST: Welcome to America’s Next Top Psychic! Please, try not to–*One contestant stands up*: I WON!
H: –ruin it.
Thanks to the rising food prices I’m now on an 80/20 eating plan.
My food intake is 80% ramen and 20% stolen from my neighbor’s DoorDash order.
First rule of Crocs club is no women allowed.
Women: You didn’t need that rule.
One good thing about astrology, I can tweet something mean about astrology and astrology Twitter is cool with it. Like I can say, “Cut it out, astrology, you’re embarrassing the planets,” and it gets retweeted 10,000 times, and astrology Twitter is just like: “Are you a Scorpio?”
One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, “Who ate my kale?”
Googles ‘why everyone hates self-made rich geniuses’
if I was kate middleton I would tweet “they got me” and then log off
The writing’s on the wall because I have a 4 year old
ZOMBIE: *squishing brains through fingers* got your knows
I wake my daughter up by tossing pebbles at her window so the first time a suitor tries she’ll have the same response we do to alarm clocks
The worst scene in La La Land is when Emma Stone gives Ryan Gosling permission to save jazz because she already solved racism in The Help.
What if you’re only given pork to eat in the afterlife? Would that be eternal hamnation?