[date]
me: what’s your type?
her: I like a man who doesn’t get jealous
me: WHO IS HE
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My favourite part of today was when my kids hugged it out and then checked their backs for kick me signs.
Frogs always look like they just found out there’s no free Wi-Fi.
Gene Hackman is my favorite actor whose name sounds like a job description at Monsanto
Brushing my daughter’s hair
Me: Why is your hair SO tangled?
5: I don’t know. Glue maybe?
Me: Did you put glue in your hair?
5: Yes.
I don’t want to sound like an alarmist but
Wooooop Wooooop
Rearrearrearrear
Booloo Booloo Booloo
Weeuuuweeuuuweeuuu
Beeep Beeep Beeep Beeep
Went to my niece’s elementary school field day last week.
I won every single event.
Every. Single. Event.
My neighbor is louder than a spinning dryer drum full of loose change on a groaning container ship being ripped apart by rogue waves.
People who think being an aunt is some kind of “easy,” fun, responsibility-free way to spend time with kids REALLY do not understand how hard it is to open a child-locked drawer
Husband: We need to stop spending so much money.
Me: *fluffing the pillows on the dogs’ new paw patrol beds* not sure what you mean by that but okay.
[Staring deep into David Schwimmer’s eyes]
“I’m afraid I only like you as a Friend”
When people say “May I ask who’s calling?” I like to say “Sure, go ahead.”
Why no, Google Maps, I don’t want to save 4 minutes on my trip by driving through the Mines of Moria, but thank you very much for asking.
why do only doctors get a special hammer for beating people with. I should be allowed to have one of these too
(before ceiling fans were invented)
*People getting their legs cut off by floor fans*
Narrator: There has to be a better way…
Me: Send prudes.
Her: Wait, did you mean nudes?
Me: What? Ew. No.
Kylo Ren: I am your father.
Rey: We’re roughly the same age. You’re just copying everything Vader said.
Kylo Ren: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
“My dream is to create something that both dogs and fraternity brothers will enjoy chasing with equal vigor.” — inventor of the frisbee
I walk in the kitchen and see a note on the refrigerator. “The kids and I are leaving you. I want a divorce.” Shocked, I break down in tears, wondering where it all went wrong. The husband is crying too, at which point I realize I’m in the wrong house.
Should have let Marvel produce 2020.
When I say I’m not like other girls, I mean that I don’t mind bugs or dirt. Otherwise I am exactly like other girls, and yes, I’m still mad about that thing you said in August of 2009.
I like to think I didn’t lose a girlfriend, instead I gained an enemy.
A variation! I dont like you people who can fall asleep at the drop of a hat. Its not normal!
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
😏😏😏😏😏
🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️
[First day as a personal chef]
How do you take your poptart?
Put my too-weak notice in at the gym.
Police – they really trashed your house, anything missi-
Me – hmmm? No, this is how it always looks
The monocle was popular in the 1800’s because ears hadn’t been invented yet.
*goes out*
*realises why I stay in.*
Me: *throws banana peel onto the ground*
Wife: what are you doing?!
Me: what? They’re biodegradable
Wife: *picks peel off the bedroom floor*
All the smart people at the office are worried about being replaced by A.I., but not me. I’m safe until they invent Artificial Stupidity.