waiter: bread for the table?
me: ok fair swap (walks away with basket of bread)
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“Your guy is late.”
“It’s only been five minutes, chill.”
“Something doesn’t feel right.”
“Everything’s fine, Dave.”
“You sure this is the spot?”
“Yes.”
“And you know this guy is cool?”
“Yes, just relax.”
“Don’t give him the money until-”
“Until I see the kibble, yes I know.”
[Sperm Bank]
DOCTOR (to the Nurse): Get a load of this guy
A couple weeks ago I left my front door open and my Roomba got out. This morning it showed up on my porch pregnant, with a dead bird in its mouth.
(spilling my bag at the airport in an attempt to show off) oh sorry lol these are just my Hot Wheels
Putting peanut butter on all my fingers before I go to bed so I can have a snack later.
[Ouijja Board]
What is the meaning of life?
S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E
*Squints at board*
What the heck?
A Bee Gee board?
Hey, people who solicit a response via text conversation then disappear for hours, I got one thing to say to you…
My 13yo son pays monthly for Snapchat+ so he can get a better Bitmoji and I would probably make fun of this if I hadn’t previously paid for Favstar
If the final episode of Game of Thrones doesn’t feature a group hug with everyone singing “Kumbaya,” then I don’t know what I’m talking about.
-Someone keeps phoning up pretending to be my grandmother. It’s a prank, I don’t know what else to call it.
-Shenanigan?
-Don’t you start.
I’m sick and tired of being the only person who cooks, cleans, and pays all the damn bills in this house.
I live alone, but still.
My autobiography will be a single piece of paper that says ‘Ugh’
My ex gf came from the land down under, no not Australia, Hell.
Those gender reveal parties are getting crazier and crazier
Me: can I have a few extra days off over Christmas
Boss: it’s May
Me: sorry, may I have a few extra days off over Christmas
REPORTER: Today a 25-year old dog is playing dead for the first time. It goes to show that old dogs really can learn… Oh goddamn it.
GIRLFRIEND: So tell me something I don’t already know about you.
ME: During October I call my Dyson ‘Count Vacula’
HER: I need to see other people.
i order my girl scout cookies from several different girl scouts so nobody has a full count of the boxes i’ve eaten i don’t have time for that negativity it’s cookie season goddammit
Pretty weird that a hamster I had for three months at the age of six plays such an important role in my adult life as a part of my online banking security protocol
I was pregnant in High School BEFORE it became popular….
I want to follow a random family around Disneyland for a day and just be in the background of all of their photos.
my favouritest X’s, ranked:
9. _traterrestrial
8. _marks the spot
7. _ray specs
6. _chromosome
5. generation_
4. _tasy
3. _tra large portion of fries
2. _rated
1. _wife
I just want to have the poker face of a toddler that tells you that they didn’t poop their pants.
If you have an enemy, recommend a bad salon, it’s the best revenge ever
Lmao my first taste of adulthood was learning you had to actually pay for Microsoft office. I had be using it for free my whole life as a student. It didn’t even occur to me it cost money to have it at home
The trick is to leave enough details online so that a determined mysterious rich uncle can find you but not enough so random murderers can.
“Hello, Yes, This is Otter.”
My husband and I have dedicated to potty training our 3-year-old this weekend because apparently we haven’t challenged our marriage enough lately.
I canceled my plans to go swimming because it was threatening to rain. I was OK with getting wet but only on my terms.
The bag of chocolate macaroons I bought are not resealable. I’m taking this as an indicator that it is 1 serving