Story of my life…..
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Whoever thinks money doesn’t buy happiness can deposit it in my bank account.
For Halloween I’m giving out razor blades with candy in them. These kids’ll be shaving away and then BAM – nougat everywhere.
Sometimes I’ll watch the way my chest hair sways back and forth before a fan on medium and think this must be exactly what Jane Eyre saw looking out over the moors or something
Watching TV
Detective: … and the horribly mangled remains were found on October 25th…
Me: Woo! They said my birthday!
I’m so much like a noodle when I shower. sit in hot water for 7-8 minutes and become soft, squishy, and delicious afterwards
My boyfriend was explaining to me how its nice to be with me as I’m so easy to keep happy. Enjoying the positive comments I asked him to elaborate, he says well all you need is to sleep well, eat lots and go for nice walks, to which I suddenly realised I am a golden retriever
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands
*packs for wall 3 feet away
*has an amazing time at wall
When the atm charges you 3.50 to take out your own money but tells you to cover your pin so you don’t get robbed
Why does toothpaste drop off your toothbrush so easily but then turn into a type of thermosetting polymer that’s impossible to wash away?
What if aliens watch our movies about aliens and then invade accordingly in hopes of fitting in with our culture?
I love to see “pan-fried” on a menu. I hate food that’s fried in a shoe or a dolphin or something
And for my next trick, I’m going to make this first date the last date.
Shout out to my kids because THEY AREN’T LISTENING!!!!
I would date a communist girl but there are too many red flags
Hubs: I think we should buy a new camper.
Me: What’s the matter with you? You’re just gonna say that right in front of my phone?
*Facebook timeline turns into solid camper ads*
My friend is looking for a single, normal, well adjusted man. I told her to avoid twitter.
gonna write a steamy vampire chicken novella, call it “stake & eggs”
[in doomsday bunker]
wife: we’re out of food
me: we’ll have to eat one of us to survive
chicken: yes but who?
Me: So many women flirt with me on Twitter all the time.
Wife: Cool. Now you have lots of woman to also not have sex with.
People say I’m self-centered, but the important thing is that they’re talking about me
The closest I’ve ever come to being a ‘hunter and gatherer’ is opening my own pistachios.
i don’t like little dogs. i draw the line at ever having to say “we’ll go outside later, Brutus. there’s an owl out there.”
Psychologist: Let’s play a word association game. I’ll say a word, you say what springs to mind
Rainbows
Me: I hope my ex dies in a fire.
Science tip: you can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.
* Tries to keep eye contact on a date with a crab *
Crab : My eyes are up here.
Emails now be like: I hope you are staying safe, sheltered in place, stocked with toilet paper, and healthy during these absolutely unprecedented, wild, chaotic, terrifying times. Just wanted to follow up-
Excuse me lady, either your baby is crying or your tea is ready…regardless, fix that shit.
When my friend and I were children, gym class would have us run around the neighborhood. This run would pass my house. We sneak through the back alley into my house and watch TV for 20 minutes and then my dad will drive us back to school. The perfect crime
I hate to brag but I’ve had numerous women fake their own death to get out of a relationship with me.
I was one of the crew members on the Lost series. Don’t worry, you’re not alone, nobody on the crew understood the ending either.