ME: i’ve never been to europe
SOMEONE WHO’S BEEN TO EUROPE: you should totally go
ME: now that i think of it, it’s only been my lack of desire, alone, that has ever inhibited me to go so ok why not
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Parenting through the years:
1st kid: Organic food only
2nd kid: “McDonald’s once in a while isn’t so bad.”
3rd kid: “Did he just eat dog food? I’m sure he’s fine.”
Lost my first follower today. Funeral is Tuesday. Will be live tweeting. It’s what he would have wanted.
OK, I’m ready for Senior Mints now.
I’m really happy because my pill bottle says, Do not iron while taking this medication.
What’s the difference between a guy wearing a bullet proof vest and the English football team? The guy would survive the first round.
I left my accordion in the car and forgot to lock it. By the time I got back, it was too late. There were four accordions in there
My brain: “safe place” or “safe spot”
My mouth: safe splot
gonna play video games. i need a mental escape from politics, it feels like the apocalypse
-plays Fallout, a game about living in the apocalypse-
Me: I don’t think I like it here
Demon: yeah well that’s kind of the point
I stopped carrying my phone in my shirt pocket, because every time it vibrated my first thought was: Heart attack!
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
the boss has a new hairpiece and i’m trying real hard not to laugh
My parents are 75 and 84. My son & I do frequent drive-by visits to make sure they have what they need. Today, I guess they needed to party.
Dog Mechanic: The repair is gonna take longer than expected.
“Why’s that?”
Dog Mechanic: The clutch is worn out, also because I am a dog.
Bring a hedgehog into the library and frantically ask the clerks where they keep the reverse spell casting books.
I was getting mad in traffic earlier and my 3-year-old said “all you can do is calm down and let the cars go” and now I have a therapist.
DEVIL ON ONE SHOULDER: stay in bed
ANGEL ON THE OTHER: go to work
YODA ON MY BACK: get up, so heavy you are
BECAUSE YOU SHARED THAT VIDEO EVERY SINGLE PERSON HAS ABANDONED THEIR CAR AND RUN INTO THE FLAMES TO SAVE A RABBIT. THE RABBIT POPULATION IS NOW SPREADING FASTER THAN THE FIRE. THEY ARE 0% CONTAINED. I CAN HEAR THEIR LITTLE FEET COMING THIS WAY. OH NO MY WINDOWS ARE OPE
If bowser kidnapped my wife, I would not be saying “wahoo” no matter how fun the jump was
Establish dominance at your in-laws by continuing to eat that piece of fruit even though you didn’t know it was plastic.
[on Ferris wheel]
ME: This is going great.
MY DATE: This is so weird.
UBER DRIVER: Let’s get cotton candy next.
McDonald’s just offered me a coupon book to promote the mcrib in a tweet?? Lmao no thanks,, im not THAT cheap. Not like the McDonald’s™️ McRib™️ sandwich. So tangy. So delicious. A little slab of heaven for a mere $2.99 now available for a limited time only
Him: Do you want to run away with me?
Me: We won’t actually be running, right?
Jeff Bezos confirms he’s no longer the world’s richest man as Bill Gates has cancelled his Amazon Prime subscription.
Little Kid: wanna hear a joke?
Me: life is meaningless without death
Little Kid: why did the chicken cro- wait what?
Roommate and I got our first electric bill and long story short we’re now Amish
YOUR MARCH HOROSCOPES:
Aries: Stay inside.
Taurus: Stay inside.
Gemini: Stay inside.
Cancer: Stay inside.
Leo: Stay inside.
Virgo: Stay inside.
Libra: Stay inside.
Scorpio: Stay inside.
Sagittarius: Stay inside.
Capricorn: Stay inside.
Aquarius: Stay inside.
Pisces: Stay inside.
me reading the group chat when nobody thinks i’m around
My life won’t stop downloading updates without my permission.
remembering the time i crashed an oscar watching party with a handful of TV people in los feliz and brought a tres leches cake as my offering to have one of the actors stand up and declare it was “DAIRY” with a measure of disgust