Me: please tell me my future, madame
Palm reader: *studies my hand* it says ‘lots of seks and the good cheeses’
Me: awesome
Palm reader: in sharpie
Me: yeah
Palm reader: you’re going to die alone
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Apparently, “I understand why some animals eat their young,” is not a socially acceptable answer when someone asks you how you’re doing. Whatever.
I am far too familiar with the bathroom floor to ever be judgemental of anyone else’s life decisions.
WIFE: why is there a chicken wearing glasses in our living room
ME: he’s my new friend
CHICKEN: *pecks at the floor and his glasses fall off*
ME: oh no where did Cluck Kent go
I just saw this advert and the lady said allergies cause you to avoid the things you love. That explains why I never get laid.
o shit
*composes email*
*proofreads*
*hovers mouse over send button*
*proofreads again*
*is about to send*
*proofreads a third time*
*gets glass of water*
*proofreads once more*
*finally sends email*
*re-reads email just for good measure*
OH NO I SAID HITLER INSTEAD OF HELLO
College is like a Dora the Explorer episode; your professor asks a question, stares at you and then answers their own question.
[at party]
friend: is dave coming?
me: cool dave or dave who likes watering holes & has amnesia?
Dave: well, well, well..who do we have here
I like to hide condom wrappers in my married friends pockets.
my therapist challenged me to get out of my comfort zone so i stopped watching tv in the living room and switched to the basement
People in glasshouses shouldn’t throw surprise parties.
I have yellow mustard, grainy mustard, dry mustard, mustard seeds, Dijon mustard, and horseradish mustard. That part of my life is in order.
[interview]
BOSS: So I see you majored in communication?
ME: No…miscommunication
BOSS: Your resume clearly says communication
ME: See?
Neighbor’s rooster hacks & crows like he’s been a lifelong smoker
the boss has a new hairpiece and i’m trying real hard not to laugh
[about to be murdered]
ME: *whispers into murderer’s ear*
MURDERER: No, I do not want to hold hands.
let’s hear it for plates that are bowls
Never invite a renegade cop from a 90s action movie over for board game night. They play by their own rules!
me: wanna hear a joke about a guy who questions everything
her: sure
me: why
PAL: Do you think the Cowboys will beat the Giants?
ME: There is no way
PAL: Why?
ME: Giants are very large and cowboys are just regular sized people
Most people don’t know this, but a canine that practices medicine is called a Dogter.
I was in a park and a lady loudly called out “Anyone who wants an ice cream come over here”. I headed over with several others. She handed out ices to them all then asked me “Who are you?”. I realised the rest were all her family. 30 years later I still cringe.
mmmm This chocolate speaks my language. Or it would, if it weren’t being eaten. So. I guess it’s probably horrified-screaming my language.
Sometimes words are just not enough
And for such occasions, I have this flamethrower
My rings were getting loose so I gained ten pounds.
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. Now she’s a pearl diver in the Philippines & can afford her own damn dessert.
My only real argument for having multiple children is that the older one will eventually be able to help the younger one with Common Core math.
Anytime someone throws a Great Gatsby themed party, I have to assume they never finished the book.
“Eat cheese and sin.”
This is… the best street art sticker I’ve ever seen?!
As a fan of Dirty Dancing I can only hope that when we go on holiday one of my daughters sleeps with a middle aged dance instructor.