ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
TAYLOR SWIFT: Aw here are some band aids
ME: THOSE DON’T FIX BULLETHOLES
TS: *picks up guitar* …brb
ME: I’M STILL DYING
You Might Also Like
sry
“Drat!” Annie felt the unwelcome creep of human emotion intrude upon her sensible agenda.
Me: Coke please
Server: Sorry we don’t have Coke. Is vodka ok?
Me: Why yes, yes it is
When I go shopping I like to buy condoms and cat food at the same time just to confuse the cashier.
according to my research, maximum work from home productivity can be reached when you wear a towel all day and lie about your camera not working
Mafia Boss: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Fishes: we’re not sleeping with this nerd
Me: um technically the plural is *fish*
Cashier holds up a bottle of herbal spray for hot flashes “you sure you want this it’s twelve dollars” YES I WANT IT AND I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT
Not to be racist but all of my kids sound the same on the phone.
cop: if i were you i wouldn’t leave town
me: but if you were, what bus would you take
This cop is acting like he never saw anyone drive while making waffles before.
ME: *walks into a locksmith shop with hands cuffed behind my back* I was arrested but the cop let me go and he forgot to take off the handcuffs.
LOCKSMITH: Uh huh, sure, and you want me to—
ME: Can you scratch my nose?
[1st date]
Her: we should keep religion out of this
*religion gets up & leaves the table*
Me: see what u did? *I get up and chase after it*
What the hell was that?” my dog angrily demanded as we left the vet’s office.
“What?” I asked.
“That thing you did with the guy.”
“What, shaking his hand?”
“Yes shaking his hand. I thought that was our thing.”
me tryna look cute after stress eating for the last 17 months
“I challenge you to a duel!”
“Very well. The weapon?”
“Compliments.”
“A capital choice.”
“Thank you, I- oh! I see you’ve dueled before!”
The turkey is the luckiest one at the Thanksgiving table because it’s already dead.
I get you, container ship stuck in the Suez.
I can’t fit into most things I used to anymore, either.
Thought I’d be trendy and try one of these ‘alternative milks’.
I don’t know what a magnesia is, but it made my Cocoa Puffs taste horrible…
Today I was on the treadmill for over an hour. I was so pleased with my progress that tomorrow I might actually turn it on
Good news class—you are exactly 9 years old, so from here on out, we’ll exclusively be reading books where the dog dies.
I don’t understand how God can have Ten Commandments for the whole world, and my wife can have 152 just for our house.
Decoding phrases used by employers when describing what they want:
“Believes in the company’s mission” = “willing to take less money.”
“Has great work ethic” = “willing to work longer hours.”
“Has a passion for this work” = “willing to take less money while working longer hours.”
When a cop pulls me over I lick my lips and say, “Can I show you something sexy to get out of this ticket?,” then I open my center console full of snacks.
*driving my date to the ER*
I told you my possum doesn’t like direct eye contact. This one is on you.
Give me one reason why I shouldn’t pass this math class
“You held up 2 fingers just now”
Ok then give me that many reasons
Told my father a joke on our last call. He no longer wants me to visit in July.
A woman could tweet “My dog just died” and she would get replies like “Well, I’m not dead ;)”
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, if you listen very closely, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
I never judge a book by its cover.
People, though, I can tell are evil by their stupid faces.
“What character would I like to see throwing up in a parking lot?”
-How I pick my Halloween costume