Nothing scarier than a server who takes multiple orders without writing anything down.
You Might Also Like
my daughter said “it’s cold, but it’s a beautiful day.” ppl w no bills are so positive.
my kid correcting me about a dinosaur fact
Sex in the snow is wintercourse.
Find a penny, pick it up. All day long you’ll wtf, that thing is filthy. Wash your hands immediately.
90% of my life is convincing others that I, an idiot, am not an idiot.
The other 10% is using my phone’s flashlight to help me find my phone.
Teacher: Ok, which of you stole the thesaurus?
Student: Not me
Student: Not me
Student: Nay myself
Student: Not me
I wonder if the plants in my house get scared when I eat salad?
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im a grown up. it’s my STOMACH that hurts because I had too many sweets without mothers permission
handsome & gretel
You say lasagna. I say spaghetti cake. Because my 3 year old won’t eat lasagna.
Jodie from HR: Through god, all things are possible
Me: Okay do a kickflip
Jodie: What
Me: Do a double kickflip right now
These aren’t even hard anymore.
The only way I’m gonna hit the gym is if I accidentally drive into it
oh you don’t want my dog to bark at you? then why would you stand calmly within a 2 mile radius of my house
Before any important social event or engagement I like to lightly spritz myself with a bit of hollandaise
Customer: you don’t want to see me when I’m mean
Me: I don’t want to see you when you’re happy either!
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
How many children do I want to have? Kind of a weird question for a first date, but umm I guess enough to finish the temple
Put me in your bio so I know it’s real… Just kidding, I’d rather be in your will.
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
I’m sorry you’re just not NASA material
“Why?”
Well, you wrote ‘red’ then crossed it out & put ‘human’ under blood type on your application.
Why should I trust my gut? My gut can’t even tell the difference between “I’m hungry” and “I’m bored” and that’s literally its only job.
Me: *covers foot with blanket*
Monster 1: *about to grab my foot anyway*
Monster 2: *quickly pulling him back* NO. we have to respect the blanket Franklin
BUNNIES: I love hopping!
SNAKE WITH BUNNY EARS ON A POGO STICK: Haha yes, but shouldn’t we get home and check on our delicious babies?
Me: *giving my wife puppy dog eyes*
Wife: WHERE THE HELL DID YOU GET THESE?
I guess I shouldn’t have had 3 cookies… Now, I’m being judged.
I just told my son we have all the ingredients that he needs to make toast, in case you were wondering how much vodka I drank last night.
You don’t need to put “liquid” in front of “diarrhea”. We get it.
Ghostbusters commercial: who you gonna call?
Ghost haunting me: [looks at me nervously]
Me: lmao like you’re scarier than a phone call
It’s hard eating this ramen with chopsticks. The broth keeps spilling on the steering wheel.