St. Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland. They gave him a great Uber rating.
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Me and my mates are in a band called duvet.
We’re a cover band
Never trust anyone who says “let me be Frank” no, what is your real name?
demon: ur punishment in hell has been tailored just for u
me: ok
demon: u have to enter a long wifi password for eternity & it’ll never work
I love how when you walk through a spider web, you all of the sudden know Kung Fu.
me and my buddies are playing “soup fight”. that’s where we each embody a different vegetable and get in a nice hot tub together. and then we fight
Gemini: I pretty much know everything
Cancer: so how are u feeling right now
Gemini: not that
as a teen: secretly drinking in the park with friends.
as an adult: secretly drinking in the park with squirrels.
If you hit a person with a Tesla
will you be charged for battery?#OneLinersDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I like listening to Phil Collins in the shower. He gets creeped out when he sees me, though.
My kids are doing things in Minecraft that are likely serial killer warning signs.
I named my son Kidding Me so whenever people say “Are you kidding me” he has to say yes. This is a bad joke thanks for your time
I bet the women who only tweet about sex are probably some of the nicest men you’ll ever meet in person.
One time when we were eating breakfast at denny’s my grandma read an ancient mormon hex at the table & accidentally reverse baptized my denver omelette.
love it when they get my name right
“In just 4 years, you can get a 4 year degree!”
Yes, “university” commercial–that math checks out.
My 11-year-old is talking about what she wants her future house to look like and I’m pretty sure she is describing a zoo.
Call me cute and I’ll bite your kneecap.
[if my cat tweeted]
When “over 38” is sad and missing her boyfriend, I try and cheer her up by peeing on her shoes and puking on her phone.
The best way to refuse a credit card telemarketer is to tell them you’re unemployed. Guarantees them hanging up within seconds.
ain’t no way there’s billions of us and nobody got superpowers
ME: bartender. another.
BARTENDER: but you just-
ME: *slams fist on bar* ANOTHER
[bartender reluctantly hands me another moist towelette]
Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.
“Kids, are you asleep?”
Kids:
*turns off the wifi*
MUUUUUUUUUUM
[catching breath at friends house]
I was being chased by a bike cop so I threw up a left turn signal but actually turned right and it worked
WIFE: *filing for divorce*
ME: Are you mad at me?
Did you know a tornado with no debris is called a naked twister?
Related: This evening is not going how I imagined.
Cutting Crew: I just died in your arms tonight. Must’ve been something you said…
Me: *closing book of spells* Oh shit! Oh shit! Oh shit!
Do you realize that if real women had the same proportions as Barbie they’d be only 11.5 inches tall?
Yo yo yo, I just killed some dude,
Shot to the head, now my life is screwed,
Momma don’t cry, it’s not your life that’s in tatters,
Carry on, carry on, because nothing really mattersBohemian Rap-sody