My neighbor and I stepped out at the same time, both of us dressed up for meetings. I nodded at him approvingly. He looked me up and down and grinned. I STILL GOT IT, I thought. Gave my presentation to 50 people. Get home only to realize my pants are inside out.
You Might Also Like
…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.
I’m okay, you?
Yea. Not bad. You?
Yea. Not too bad. Wby?
Yea I’m okay. You okay?
Yes. Not bad. You?
Not too bad. You?
Yes I’m alright. You okay?
Yes ya know. The usual. You okay?
I’m okay thanks. How’re you?
I’m okay thanks. You okay?
I’m okay
Good
Okay
Bye then
Bye
Ladies with “finger in their mouth” avis, what’s on your finger? Cake batter? Is it cake batter? Can I have some?
Why was six afraid of seven? Generations of institutionalized bigotry.
this was the best i’ve ever seen
If you can say “I made six figures last year,” you either have a well paying job or you’re the worst employee at a toy factory.
A priest, a minster, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo.”
9 year-old attempts to follow a recipe:
“It says here to separate the eggs. How far apart do they have to be?”
Any time someone says “have you seen that YouTube video?”
I always say yes……… Because otherwise they make you watch it on their phone
Louis Lane “there is no way broccoli is a superfood!”
Broccoli *takes spectacles off*
Louis Lane “My God! Look, it’s a superfood!”
I learned two important lessons today. I can’t remember the first lesson, but the second one is I have to start writing things down.
“Predators are essential for a healthy ecosystem,” I explained as I released a bobcat into the airduct
Me: *looking at pics* Cute! What breed is it? Looks like a Puggle
Co-worker: It’s my daughter
Me: Yeah, they feel like family, don’t they?
dude in this airport saw me reading and said “oh you like literature, have you heard of……. charles dickens” and i said no
Went over todo list for fishing vaca, Noticed wife put “WTF” aside “B Plug”.
Had to explain, the “Boat Plug” keeps the water out of the boat
There are risks you take when camping: severe weather, wild animals, someone bringing an acoustic guitar
[Looking out the window]
Me: I don’t understand this show.
If you’re cremated, you can’t roll over in your grave. Do you swirl in your urn? What do you do? What. Do. You. Do?
When a pair of scissors hear you’re looking for them
I find it very upsetting that dragon fruit has such a cool name, looks so exotic, and then tastes like a diabolical farmer crossed a kiwi with a potato.
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: actually i am
me: then i guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
Interviewer: It says here you’re interested in waterfowl genealogy.
Me: I became fascinated with the subject when I noticed that both Daffy Duck and Donald Duck share the same family name and both their names begin with D.
Interviewer:
Me: And neither wears pants
While in restaurants as a kid, my parents would pay by credit card in a machine that looked like it could take your finger off
Wow bro, that pot leaf tattoo on your neck really makes the colors of your Burger King uniform pop.
My wife and I decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty hard.
Keeping 6 ft away from me may protect you from my germs, but you’ll need to be a lot farther than that to avoid the glare from my heavily-sequined Christmas sweater.
My wife said “Sometimes you can be so lazy,” and then she walked out of the room.
I looked at our dog and said “Go find out which one of us she’s talking about.”
50,000 retweets and our professor will let us get our medical degrees without taking our finals! I want to be a pediatric heart surgeon, let’s goooooooo
Smiles from ear to ear.
Wife: what are you smiling about?
Our dog just took a giant dump in our neighbors yard
Wife: God I love that dog.