I wish airlines would stop calling it your “final destination” have they not seen those movies?
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We all look like talking skeletons to Superman. Even his parents. I don’t know how that kid slept at night.
I wish more things required an email from the WGA before we accepted them as true. Like, “Sorry but, until we hear otherwise from the WGA, it’s still the weekend. We don’t even know for sure Mondays are real.”
Kid’s tiny friend: My mom sent me here as she is cleaning our house.
My kid: why is she cleaning, is anyone visiting?
thug: do you have a gram
drug dealer: yeah
grandma: [ripping off thug mask] then why don’t you ever visit
c’mon!
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have loopus.
ME: Oh no! Is there a treatment?
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
Everybody was Feng Shui fighting, those cats improved my ambient lighting.
*wears an “Only God Can Judge Me” t-shirt to court*
DOROTHY: What do these shoes do?
GLINDA: Send you home
D: Lame [tries new pair] And these?
G: Wait-
D: [clicks heels]
[turns into hamburger]
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
ME: i’d like to get rid of all this
PERSONAL TRAINER: you’re just making like one sweeping gesture around your entire body
ME: and my head
Shipwreck diary, Day 32,567: So, turns out I’m immortal.
Saint Waddle is the patron saint of pancakes and ducks. She loved to flip the bird.
“Why do raisins have an expiration date? What’s gonna happen, they get shrivelier??”
Interviewer:…
“Oh you mean questions about the job!”
barn owls must have been stoked when the barn was invented
Due to the weather, I was able to use the words “wet and slippery” at work all day without anyone thinking I’m a big perv.
I just want to be high enough on the corporate ladder so I can walk around the office and yell at ppl while I’m eating a salad
Always remember –
If you’re having a conversation with somebody that doesn’t speak English, just talk louder.
If you see someone crying, ask if it’s because of their haircut.
A British person will be slightly insulted by someone, not say anything, nurture a lingering resentment, patiently bide their time, and eventually, in an unrelated conversation with the person years later, will remark, “that’s typical of you.” Usually across a dining table.
dinosaur: omg a meteor
tyrannosaurus clark kent: *trying really hard to remove his glasses with his stupid little arms*
if you have a baby make sure you tell everybody exactly how much it weighs this is very important information and people love to hear it
When the ex saw 2 wine glasses in my sink, I hope he thought, “she shared a bottle w/ a hot guy” not “drinking alone 2 nights in a row”
Felix went to the moon, took 5 photos. She went to the bathroom, took 37 photos.
It’s really odd but it appears women want a boyfriend that lives thousands of miles away and is married.
Could you please put your screaming baby on vibrate.
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
*alien probing me
Me: Ok a little to the left
Alien: I SAID STOP THAT