Americans: Iran and Iraq are countries, not Apple products, so say their names properly.
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doc: “your dad’s been in a coma for 9 days, we’re running out of ideas”
me: “let me try” [goes to adjust thermostat]
dad: [opens one eye]
[family thanksgiving in 2020]
HER: hey the turkey is still frozen
ME: everyone else says it’s fine mom try logging out and back in
“Are you a cop? You have to tell me if you’re a cop.”
“I’m a cop.”
“So you’re a cop AND a gun dealer? Random, but okay let’s do this shit”
Pink has done surprisingly well as a solo artist ever since her and Floyd split up.
Teacher: We’re going to need you to work with your daughter on humility.
Me: I was never good with weather stuff but I’ll give it a shot.
What do you mean “yogurt flavored”?! Yogurt is the stuff we have to add flavor to.
Relationship status: If my husband is running his fingers through my hair, it’s to retrieve food.
When one door closes, I lock it.
I’m not chancing someone else getting in.
Whenever I’m upset with my dog for acting up, I remind her which one of us is the owner and then we laugh and laugh.
Indiana Jones: [screaming as his hand is crushed under a door] ARRGGHHH! WHY? WHY DID I REACH FOR MY HAT? I OWN SO MANY HATS!!
why’s it called Top Gun when the guns are on the bottom of the plane
Who called it a French guy that has a cat rather than Jean clawed?
Rule: If thou has a Macbook, thou shall always taketh photos of objects with the Macbook in the background.
Scene in Dirty Dancing where Patrick Swayze lifts her in the air, only I drop you because there is a line beginning to form at the buffet.
Police looking for a man who stabbed six people with knitting needles.
He seems to be following some sort of pattern.
Husband: Do you want to watch “how to become a cult leader”
Me: nah
Husb: you could create your own cult
Me: I already did…. I made 2 humans from my body and they depend on me for everything… I’m their god
“Of course the water feels harder at higher speeds. The molecules have to separate.”
[You wish the chemist to whom you are married watched the Olympic diving trials just for the pretty girls. But when do you ever get what you want?]
me: in or out
dog: yep
me: which one
dog: you bet
Me: I like naughty girls
Baby daughter: *pukes on the floor*
Me: Not you
My sense of humor can best be described as “Are you okay? Did someone hit you in the head?”
At this stage, someone might be grateful if you TPed their house.
Me: What sneakers are you wearing?
Her: Converse
Me: Omg Sandra, that’s what I’m trying to do.
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his birthday cake in the break room fridge.
He’s completely wrong. It wasn’t my finger.
ONE NIGHT STAND, really?? Please. What kind of girl you think I am? Like, no thanks babe, I need my bedroom furniture symmetrical.
Trying to pass my red flags off as a mini golf course
Any shampoo can be volume control shampoo if you cram the bottle directly into your kids mouth
My middle son has two imaginary horses that he always brings to my house
It’s really sweet, but it’s costing me a fortune in imaginary hay
-“I hear the Israeli PM isn’t too worried about that latest hack because..”
-“Please don’t”
-“…Benjamin’s Not on Yahoo”
-“I’m leaving you”
Gross, who put proof in this pudding?