If you call yourself a “cat photographer” and you are not a cat, gtfo
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I got everyone a pet snake for Christmas but you have to catch it, they’re in my house, they’re everywhere, please come get your snake.
*buys box of donut holes*
I won’t eat anything that casts a shadow
Jay-Z has an underachieving brother named Lay.
If i had to guess, i would guess that the number one search word on Bing is Google.
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
Cake safety first. Always.
Kids, stay in school and get a good degree so you can spend 40% of your life on conference calls
No, I don’t want to hang out at your house. Your pot to snacks ratio is all off.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
I went to the zoo and saw a piece of toast in a cage. The sign said BREAD IN CAPTIVITY.
Witches these days have it so easy. Do you know how hard it used to be to find so many newts? Now you get them with free 2 day shipping.
my problematically hot line cook found kittens in the parking lot and he had to drag me back inside because i’m now just sitting out there trying to feed them shrimp
Hot neighbor (limping): I slipped and fell on my bedroom floor this morning
Me: Haha, I saw that
Her: What?
Me: What?
Pete Davidson always knows what’s different about you when you ask
Remember when getting a babysitter for the night meant ordering a pizza and 20 bucks and not 25 an hour and not asking about their ankle monitor
*starts the dishwasher*
*immediately finds 10 cups and 3 bowls my kids left in their room*
*playing with a ouija board at a cocktail party*
Me: Is anyone here with us?
T E L L T H E S E P E O P L E T O
U S E A C O A S T E RM: Oh my god! Mom!
Ok so for next Halloween ill be mozart.
“I’ll be beethoven!”
Yeah okay, calm down sally. So Mr. Terminator who will you be?“I’LL BE BACH.”
I don’t scram as often as I used to now it’s usually only if I’m in danger, or if the security guards at the fancy party realize my tuxedo is actually just a t-shirt
I want what any normal girl wants in life… A great job, a loving husband and to be the wallpaper on thousands of iPhones.
Interviewer: If we hire you, where do you hope to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
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*puts phone down~me, doing cardio
Me: Aww, a bear!
Bear: You’re being audited by the IRS.
Me: Oh no, a bad news bear.
I first learned the “bend and snap” on Legally Blonde.
But now I snap when I bend, and not in a good way…
I haven’t had a boyfriend in so long I’m down to my last hoodie
Streaming Service: We think this wholesome comedy would be great!
Me: hmmm
Streaming: How about thoughtful calm drama parallel of life
Me: 🤔
Streaming: ok…how about a depressing cult docu-series that will fill you with a rage that will not die
Me: ya ya that’s the one
You can’t spell fries without friends. I guess what I’m saying is that fries are friends. Delicious friends.
It’s interesting to me that car drivers are the first to admit that other drivers are idiots, yet anytime you try to suggest policy that will take cars off the road, they’re the most resistant
The Bermuda Triangle has been relocated to the space between your car seat and the center console.
I’m just a girl reading the news in KYIV like “Kentucky four.”