Me: what are you looking forward to most this week?
8: playing with my friends!
3 (boy): seeing grandma!
3 (girl): lunch!
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My fave part of eating corn dogs is when you get to the bottom and you have to shove the wooden stick in the back of your throat to get that last bit o’ battered glizzy
If I ever go to prison,
I’m gonna make damn sure everyone knows my street name: Butthole Teeth.
My brother-in-law: what’s your kittens names?
My 10yo: Jinx and Jingles.
BIL: Which one is the black one?
10yo: that one. *points to black kitten*
Motherhood is the perfect combination of heart swelling pride and “I didn’t sign up for this.”
Posting “wow pretty problematic” under every single person’s Spotify wrapped and then responding “it’s not my job to educate you” when they ask what I mean by that.
Ten million people accused me of exaggerating today.
If necessary, pouring pickle juice into the coffee maker makes a house uninviting to 99% of house guests.
I used to get bullied online.
Until one day I walked up to the biggest computer in Best Buy and beat the shit out of it.
“Rogue One” idea:
The spies anxiously wait to meet their new commander.
Boldly – regally – he strides into the room.
“Mesa Jar-Jar Binks”
The “free milkshakes for a month” contest I just won is telling me my month’s supply of shakes is 5 shakes. Yeah 5 should last me a month…
Me: Babe, I got carded today!
Husband: Showing your Costco membership at the entrance doesn’t count.
Me: what are you looking forward to most this week?
8: playing with my friends!
3 (boy): seeing grandma!
3 (girl): lunch!
4: Is the Easter Bunny still coming to our house?
10: Oh I saw on the news he got Coronavirus and Easter is cancelled
Me: (forgot to get Easter eggs) Yup, it’s true
Me: If I had a superpower, what would it be?
6YO: Being nice. Not yelling.
Me: Really?
6YO: Oh, I thought it was like which ones did you need.
Me:*opens mouth*
Husband: Don’t. You’re the adult.
–
Aether is both a noun and a verb.
–
“I’m not gay or anything.”-homophobic antimatter
One time I ate a quarter and pooped out a gumball.
[sets up grandfather’s first computer]
ME: Okay, Grandpa… Just call me if you have any questions or problems.
[phone rings one hour later]
ME: Hello?
GRANDPA: WebMD says I’m pregnant.
Finding an open electrical socket at the airport and discovering it doesn’t work feels like buying a pair of pants and discovering the pockets are fake.
Maybe, just maybe, passwords wouldn’t be so insecure if we weren’t always asking them to change.
DARTH VADER: I am your father
LUKE: Buy me some jeans then
DV: *reluctantly hands over money* …You better actually buy jeans with this
My dad’s handwriting makes a pharmacist look like a calligrapher.
Someone screamed when they saw me naked for the first time to the other day
People at Costco really need to be less sensitive
This looks like a job for..
*I rip open my jacket*
Jacket Repair Man!
*I sew my jacket back together*
“Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds.”
– Twitter IT engineer that pressed the button for the 280 character limit update
Sometimes I’m sandpaper and sometimes I’m chapstick and sometimes I’m bad at metaphors.
There is no “I” in the word “team,” but I don’t think that means anything about team work. That’s just how it’s spelled.
Christian: You need Jesus in your life
Me: But I can’t find him
Jesus: *Hiding in a cave, giggling*
Skipping rocks with 11 at the lake thinking how great it is she’s not looking at a screen when she says, “This is fun, do you think there’s an app for this?”
A sadist doctor keeps his stethoscope in a fridge