Murder is like cilantro. You either love it. Or it tastes like soap.
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Pro tip: Doing the worm into your bosses office makes him forget what he wanted to yell at you about
We cut open the cake at the gender reveal party and out spill thousands of fire ants. The guests howl. FIRE ANTS ARE MOSTLY MALE, I explain
Me: Are you going to travel by ship to the new world?
Husband: Huh?
Me: Are you going to the witch stoning?
Husband: What?
Me: Are you going to grab your musket and join the minute men?
Husband:
[scrabble]
BATMAN: pass
SUPERMAN: again?
BATMAN: can’t spell anything
SUPERMAN: *rubbing temples* not every word has to start with BAT
Walking around Boston lost and I turned on Google maps and started walking while looking at it. Walked straight into a stop sign.
I want my remains to be scattered all over the beach when I die.
Also, I don’t want to be cremated.
“moon all gone! moon all gone!” is my toddler’s terrifying new way of saying good morning
Historians: so we’re gonna name this war the 80 years war
Me: so that means it lasted 80 years right
Historians: you FOOL. you utter buffoon. You ignorant being
[Club]
Him: You want to dance?
Her: *Giggling* Ok
Him: *Scowling* Well go on then
*brings pen to sword fight*
Me: ‘This ending kinda writes itself.’
The 5 Most Important Films (and the Life Lessons They Teach)
1. Armageddon (space is scary)
2. Jaws (the ocean is scary)
3. Terminator 2 (the future is scary)
4. My Girl (bees are scary)
5. Weekend at Bernie’s (putting sunglasses on a corpse and taking him jet-skiing is fun!)
Teacher: Name the five senses
Me: Uh lessee, touch,
uhm…taste…gimme a sec. Uhm whimsy…uh- balance… and fashionTeacher:
Me: *counting on fingers* What?
Doctor: You have bronchitis
Me: OMG I’ve always wanted a dinosaur!What do I feed it?
I’m too lazy to try the Marie Kondo method. I’m pinning my hopes on a robbery.
Yes,I put my kid on a leash. I’m not scared of her being abducted. I just REALLY wanted a puppy instead.
My husband and I decided we don’t want to have children.
We will be telling them tonight.
I put my earbuds on just like everybody else. Frantically as someone approaches.
Burning rubber…
While driving a race car: Good
While using a condom: Bad
Dear everyone,
I’ve seen all of your tweets this year.
You’re all getting dictionaries for Christmas.Sincerely,
Santa Claus.
I’m gonna get my vasectomy done at Home Depot like a real man.
mom: brush your teeth and put on your pajamas
me: mom i’m a grown man. i don’t need u telling me how to get ready for story time.
So my dad was all “stop eating my pills” and then I was like “stop melting into the floor and spinning multi colored webs you talking lamp”
I let my work email inbox get too full and now I can’t send or receive emails. I don’t know why I didn’t think of this sooner.
Everyone’s a gangster until the grocery store switches their aisles around.
Him: No more coffee for you.
Me: “Why? I’m fine,” I say while detailing the neighbor’s car.
Everyone cried at my wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
I just broke a mirror disco ball, I’m not looking forward to my 5,600 years of bad luck
dentist: are you flossing?
me: no. my teeth are haunted
dentist: what?
me: they bleed when I floss
dentist: that doesn’t—
me: like the walls in a haunted mansion
dentist: ok
It took me 9 self inflicted ER visits, but that nurse finally realized it was love at first sight.
Grocery shopping before Christmas is a nightmare… My gallon of milk expired while I was waiting in line….