Why should I trust my gut? My gut can’t even tell the difference between “I’m hungry” and “I’m bored” and that’s literally its only job.
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thanksgiving should be called feaster
gonna buy myself something nice
like a straight jacket
I accidentally hired a wordsmith instead of a locksmith and now my latched threshold has been compromised by a metallic puzzle solver.
I got 99 tabs open but my work ain’t one.
[hospital]
me: what happened
doctor: you were in a terrible car accident
me: am i going to be ok
doctor: yes, thankfully the force of the impact was absorbed by the stack of airbag recall notices on your dashboard
My doctor says I need to up my potassium intake and now on top of everything else I need to learn to mine bananas and avocados
*sees monster truck
*waves torch at it and chases it with a pitchfork
Remember in your 20s when you sat upright to eat
bank robber: fine one question
me: who would you say is your favorite hostage
When someone asks me if I can do them a “solid”, I always answer with “my pleasure” before heading to the bathroom.
If someone asks if I have time to talk about Jesus I tell them yes but they have to give me an equal amount of time to talk about Ducktales.
My husband texted me from work to ask if our son’s cough was wet or dry and I was like whoa whoa whoa, there’s only room for one fake doctor in this family
British Friend: Bloody hell its 39°; peas are in the pot innit
Me: *no idea what that means* haha same
*sees a very smooth rock*
me: nice rock
my brain: put it in your mouth
me: no?????
I think my invisible friend ate the last tin of cookies and drank all of the whiskey last evening and boy is she in trouble.
I swear I won’t be undressing you with my eyes again. That REALLY hurt!
Roses are red, violets are fine, I’ll be the 6 if you’ll be the 9.
idk how to explain it but this cat Iook british 😭😭
Swiss Army knives should come with a first aid attachment.
my fairytale would be called the princess and the pea sized bladder.
Luggage is like children. If you leave the airport with two out of three suitcases you did alright.
Mom u can stop cutting the crust off my bread now im in a gang
life coach: be the best version of yourself
me: I am
life coach: hahaha wait are you serious
Me: okay I have pizza, wings, nacho dip, mozza…
Him: hell yes, Super Bowl Sunday!
Me *mouth full of food*: uper ol wat?
ok i’ll bite.. what is Britain
Husband: *snoring*
Me: [slowly rolls him off the bed with my feet] THUMP
Husband: What the hell?
Me: OMG! Did you feel that earthquake?
The sound that tennis players make but I’m just picking my socks up off the floor.
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
I’m wondering if other dogs are afraid of Saint Bernards. Not like dog fighting, but morally.
My wife would bring a hoodie to the Sun “just in case.”