*goes swimming in Australia*
*is attacked by sharks*
*crawls gasping onto deserted beach*
*thanks god*
*is promptly eaten by crocodiles*
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I have 11 pictures of myself from high school. My daughter has 11 pictures of herself from this morning.
Getting grey hair hurts less when you say you’re sprouting tinsel instead.
Everyone’s a gangster until the grocery store switches their aisles around.
Me: I got really cranky with Alexa this morning because she wouldn’t respond to any of my queries.
Wife: What? Why?
Me: I was calling her Siri.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I’m naming our next kid.
Body: All done?
Brain: All done.
Body: goodnight
Brain: goodnight
Body:
Brain:Brain: Flintstone tiptoed a lot for a big dude
Look son, every man is nervous the first time. Just take a deep breath, walk up to her, look her in the eye and ask her for directions.
41 years old and I find myself in the grip of an identity crisis. Do I became a hat guy or a shaved-head guy?
In a shocking twist my children just put on masks to play Grocery Store
I can cook, clean, do my own laundry and grogery shop. I think I only need a woman for one thing.
To let me know when I am wrong.
Me: Look. There’s a deer.
Hunter: Don’t spook it.
Me: *slowly stuffing a werewolf mask back into my backpack*
My obsession with building townhouses is going to give me a complex one of these days.
5: I want to learn drums.
Me: Ok, but you have to walk them, feed them, and pick up their poop.
*confused, 5 walks away
I am the master.
Quarantine, day 14. Me and my boyfriend spent the whole day setting up an art gallery for our gerbil.
Bad day? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Unmotivated? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Don’t like rap? Listen to 90s rap Problem solved
what is your most benign unpopular opinion? i don’t mean like “the earth is flat” type of unpopular opinion, i mean like “I think golden retrievers are annoying” unpopular opinion
I sleep better naked…why can’t the flight attendant understand this?
Airlines need to freakin’ make up their mind abt the temp of the plane once n for all.
1st flight was so freakin’ cold, I could see my soda freeze as I was drinking it n now the 2nd one is throwing so much hot air like I wanna lie naked rn!!!
#travelling
#AmericanAirlines
Good questions to ask on a first date:
*Do you have any siblings?
*What was your major in college?
*Is that your original skin?
*Do you think the humans suspect anything?
*Do you prefer eating meat or souls?
*What kind of music do you like?
Etc.
My son started school today. I’m excited to meet all the new illnesses he’ll be bringing home this fall.
Interviewer: Your resume says that you’re good at multitasking
[me while painting nails]: Obvi
Interviewer: Please stop touching my nails
Whenever I have to fix a hole in any wall I always hide a realistically drawn but totally fake treasure map in there first.
She said “stay up, imma call you”.
i’ve been awake for 4 days
Movie theater: Please silence your phones.
Me, who hasn’t taken my phone off silent since 2012: *double-checks*
Me: oh shit I am running so late
My dog: [barfs]
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
oh my gosh!!
“Wow, that’s great!”
~ Me, not paying attention, and hoping you didn’t just tell me your Grandma died.
*Hits Rock Bottom*
Dwayne Johnson: I have a boyfriend.
Since he knows me best, I’m adding my bartender as a LinkedIn reference.
jehovah’s witness: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
me (hates gossip): no