Spanish for wife – “esposa”
Spanish for handcuffs – “esposas”
Well played, Spanish
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1980s : average parent ; 4 kids
2016: average kid ; 4 parents
They didn’t ghost you. Their spouse found out.
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
Electric eels imply the existence of Acoustic eels
I think it’s unfair that when a human eats uncooked fish it’s “sushi,” but when a fish eats uncooked human, it’s “a shark attack.”
The real reason Batman only comes out at night is because he’d get disastrous tanlines wearing that mask during the day.
Ghost of Christmas Past: ‘You were kind of an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Present: ‘You’re an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come: ‘You’re-‘
Me: ‘I get it, I get it!’
God: I need one more rib please
Adam: No
God: Come on man, I can see the future… this is going to be a problem
Adam: I said NO
God: ugh, fine *calls McDonalds* sorry guys but the McRib is gonna have to be limited time only
GIRLFRIEND: I think maybe you’re reading into this.
ME: *Stops packing my suitcase and holds up the one curly fry in with my regular fries* Why would this happen unless I’d been chosen for something?
If you enjoy waking up and checking to see what died, get a fish tank
My cat hissing at an empty chair is why I sleep in the attic.
The cashier told me to have a good Valentine’s Day like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if people stop by unannounced, it doesn’t look like I adopted a bear with a jug stuck on its head.
Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.
mugger: I said, your money or your life
me: *takes his hand* and I knew which I’d give him
our kids: awww
When everyone is getting off the zoom call but you’re struggling to find the leave meeting button so then it’s just you and the host
5 minutes left in this NBA game. Gonna read War and Peace, walk the dog, and get a mani/pedi before the final buzzer.
Doctor: for the last time, you don’t have superpowers
Me: then how can I can feel a storm coming in my joints??
Doctor: ARTHRITIS IS NOT A SUPERPOWER
I feel like movies exaggerate men’s enthusiasm for having meaningful conversations while playing pool.
[date]
HER: So do you like Star Wars?
ME: Oh yeah
HER: Who’s your favorite character?
ME: *nervously looking at smudged notes* Yoga
ohgod what if there’s some murderer in the backseat of my car while i’m driving alone and they hear me singing this cranberries song off-key
Him:Wow you came back from your run in record time…
Me:It’s amazing how fast you can go if you imagine your mother is chasing you…
*Hello this is your pilot speaking, we still have about 9 hours in the air so let me entertain you folks reading you some of my tweets*
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
Thank you. I’ll be here all night.
imagine if we could only post our deleted selfies in our dating app profiles. lol omg we’d all die alone.
I’ve found that Tupperware is a lot cheaper if you buy the ones that come filled with ice cream.
Wife: “The two things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie.” Husband: “Which is this?”
Him: You’re married?
Me: Well, it’s Thursday. So, yeah.
Him: What about on Friday?
Me: Depends how Thursday goes.
Netflix asked if I was still watching Barbie Dreamhouse Adventures and I clicked continue watching and then realised none of the kids had been in the room for at least half an hour
“I’m not like other American tourists.” I tell the waiter, who looks at us puzzled, so I sigh and repeat myself slower and louder.