“Adults are lame. After they have kids, they never do anything exciting.”
-my son, blaming the victims
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“Congratulations on the baby! Childbirth is so beautiful!” – Someone who has clearly never witnessed the birth of a child.
SORRY I GOT IN THE VAN AND ATE ALL OF THE CANDY AND NOW YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH ME.
Alanis Morissette should write a chemistry book titled Isn’t It Ionic?
BOSS: Wow you made a killing on your first day
ME: Thanks boss!
BOSS: *puts hand on my shoulder* that’s bad for a surgeon
You never know what you’ll get with kids. For example I just got 18 videos of the inside of my freezer.
Of the 4 people living in this house, I’m the only one who didn’t immediately try to touch the new cactus houseplant.
I deserve a reward for backing out of my driveway without hitting one blade of grass, a sprinkler head, or a small tree.
Why do we say “say it don’t spray it” and not “stop talking spit”?
The voices are having a huge argument tonight, I’m just hoping to fall asleep before the rational one drags me into it.
“We’d make great parents.”
– couples who watch your kids for three minutes while you go pee
Caution: Cutting corners may lead to extra corners.
You take the oxy out of oxymoron
Gonna turn my life around!
[10 min later]
Oh well, I tried.
A Tinder style app that helps parents find other parents to drink with
Me: I named you kids after my favorite Pearl Jam songs
Jeremy: That’s really cool dad
Elderly Woman Behind the Counter in a Small Town: It’s not, actually
Reese’s peanut butter cups contain only 3% of our daily recommended protein. But if you eat 97 of them… wait, is that right?
If you watch Home Alone backwards it’s a loving story about an 8 year old boy that heals two men that were savagely beaten
i should be the upstairs neighbor. i should be the one spilling marbles. it should be me up there
the worst pressure is when you’re replying to a text with a word you can’t spell and you know they’re going to wonder why it took you 5 minutes to type “I’ll bring hors d’oeuvres”
Forgot to get McDonald’s after my son’s dr appt to take back to school with him and now CPS just kicked down my door
Nobody talks about how much of a newborn dad’s job is literally being a chair
My horoscope said I’d come into some money today, I was so excited until I found a five dollar bill in the washing machine.
Does anyone have the number of a painter/decorator? I really need to get all my windows jammed so they never open again.
Whenever my kid comes to me whining about something I always tell them daddy knows just how to help.
*at the gym*
Trainor: Have a donut.
Me: Wow! Sure!
T: Here’s some pizza.
M: What kind of trainer are you?
T: I’m a Megan Trainor.
Waiter: Would you like regular or decaf?
Me: Do you want me to tip you with real money or Monopoly money?
“Let me be clear” the sliding glass door said as I face planted it.
People joke about being left hangin, but it’s not funny to me. My cousin died from an unrequited high five.
Him: let’s play a game of rhyme. I’ll go first. Romantic
Me: Panic
Him: Fun
Me: Run
Him: love
Me: shove
Him: this isn’t going well.
Me: hell
I prefer the term “quirky”, it sounds less diagnosable.