[buys new refrigerator with water dispenser]
day 1: I will never tire of this water dispenser
day 15: still luvin’ this water dispenserday 4563: wahey! water dispenser
You Might Also Like
If my wife thinks I won’t pick a fight in public because the waitress is uncomfortable, well she’s just wrong about that.
I once conjured a blizzard to get out of a “lunch date”.
Husband: Do you know where I put my lava lamp?
Me: 1970.
wife: Why are there dishes in the sink?
my son’s last words: Because you didn’t do them
*wins oscar
I’d like to thank my legs,for always supporting me;my arms,who are always by my side& also my fingers,I can always count on them
*getting murdered*
Me: *pointing to murderer’s t-shirt* Ha ha, you went to a Justin Bieber concert
i feel like if the avengers were real we’d really really hate them
“It’s never too late to get the beach body you want,” I say, pulling a fresh corpse out of the ocean
Tonight at bedtime my”not tired”4yr said he wanted to pack his things and leave which really affected me. Because NONE OF THIS SHIT IS HIS!
I never understood how Scooby and Shaggy could be convinced to do something they didn’t want to do with just a Scooby Snack until my wife said she’d make me a cheese platter if I cleaned out my closet.
I let my son go to bed last night with his Nintendo Switch and he called me a good dad. This parenting shit is easy!
Cop: Anything you say can and will be held against you.
Me: SCARLETT JOHANSSON
New mindset, who dis?
ENTER PASSWORD.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
RESET PASSWORD.
NEW PASSWORD CAN’T BE OLD PASSWORD.
sets fire to computer
i’ve always wanted to be a whistleblower but unfortunately i don’t know anything
Muchacha is my favorite Spanish word that sounds like cows dancing.
The real world does feel a bit like the state of Batman comics right now.
You beat one grinning evil, two more show up, and while you’re fighting them, the first one is resurrected and pretty soon you’re banging the cat lady.
A pregnant lady, except it’s me smuggling king sized candy into the movies for 6 kids and saving $278.
I found the cure to obesity, but then I ate it.
My husband joined me in the shower this morning. Can’t a gal eat a breakfast burrito in peace?
Rich people say “Summered” we summered on Cape Cod. We went to Maine once on a Wednesday, I Wednesdayed in Maine
Me: Go to bed
5-year-old: One more question
Me: Fine
5: Who would win if Luke Skywalker fought Harry Potter?
Me
5:
Me: Get some coffee
[police station]
“sir you get one phone call.”
[calls 911]
“hello 911 what’s your emergency?”
yeah a bunch of pricks are holding me hostage.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the graveyard and they’re like AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
What genius named it a “news feed” on Facebook and not “bullshit”?!
{Being rescued after 2 years on a deserted island}
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME:
HER: So, how did yo-
ME: I don’t know how I gained weight.
With regard to that five second rule – do they have to be consecutive seconds?
FOOL people into thinking you’re a time traveller by angrily demanding what year it is
Me: [butchering a raw pork shoulder]
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: What?
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: Poke…poke the pork?
Child: Yes.
Me: WHY
Child: It looks squishy.
Me: It IS squishy.
Child:
Me:[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE YOU TWO POKING THE PORK