[texting friend]
me: my wife and I had an argument and she just started texting her mom, is that bad
friend: oh man
me: now she’s texting my mom
friend: OH MAN
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An eel can swim faster than me, but i could probably run faster than an eel. So in a triathlon it would all come down to who is the better cyclist
Yeah, no, I don’t have a FitBit. I’m pretty sure I have a solid grasp on how inactive I am. I don’t need like bells and alarms and stuff.
My wife: I just gave myself a pedicure in record time!
Me: Impressive feet!
Fellas, stop putting rings in our food and let us eat our Crème Brûlée in peace.
STOP CALLING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
greatest 45 seconds in cinematic history
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
I like how your profile picture is you at your wedding, so are you like a professional bride
We Didn’t Start the Fire is a great song for many reasons, but one of the most underrated is, like all great history projects, it starts off super detailed & thorough until you realize it’s due the next day & you end up condensing 1963-1989 into like two stanzas
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: WHAT IS THE NOG IN EGG NOG??
I was searching for how to hit a deer and survive but now my history makes it look like I’m hunting deer with my car
Me: What are you up to?
Her: I’m making Chinese.
Me: Cloning’s unethical. Hahaha just kidding. Make me a math tutor.
nothing makes me feel appreciated at work more than management sweetly saying “have you been helped?” because they have no idea i work here
Everyone wants to be a Viking until you set them out to sea on a boat that’s on fire.
Tim Cook just came out. Waiting for the Android version.
The most disappointing moment of my adult life was when I found out a vaporizer is an e-cigarette and not a death ray that vaporizes people.
Tell me again how your unborn child will not see a screen before she’s 8. I want to write down your exact words.
If you call pooping ‘taking a dumpling’ it’s too cute for people to care where you did it
When I was a young boy my father took me into the city to see a marching band…
[8000 words later]
In a medium bowl, mix together butter, white sugar, and brown sugar. Beat in eggs one at a time, then stir in vanilla. Preheat the oven to 375 degrees. Grease cookie sheet,
How does a Ninja attack a pig?
Pork Chop.
Friend: how do u maintain your boyish glow
Me: [trying to keep down a mouthful of lightning bugs] I wish I could tell u
me irl
#AddAWomanToASong How Streep is your love.
Isn’t it annoying when someone sits next to you in an empty cinema? I didn’t think so but that’s what my new best friend is telling security
museum guide: america was founded on july 4, 1776
me: [nodding sagely] ah yes so its a Cancer. this explains everythig
the cop walks up to my car & sees that it’s filled with smoke. he gets closer & hears the sound of fajitas grilling
People telling me “Don’t be stupid” like I have some kinda say in the matter.
My wife asked me today if I would ever cheat on her. I replied, “Who else would I cheat on?”
How many situps do I have to do before I get a 6 pack? Please say 5.
*checks sons backpack to see how I did on his project*