I’m not surprised I woke up with a mannequin after too much to drink. I am surprised though that I used a condom
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Please refrain from telling elderly election volunteers to “work that poll”.
Chemical wingman
i am only capable of working on things in zero stress or extreme stress situations, in all other situations u can find me laying down and patiently waiting until extreme stress kicks in
Boss: “you’re fired”
Me: “I guess we’re just gonna have to agree to disagree”
prepare for carbonated trouble
You know the saying “if at first you don’t succeed, try, try again”? Yeah, that doesn’t work when vacuuming up a pancake.
[first day as producer]
superstar rapper: THAT’S THE 87TH TIME YOU’VE STOPPED ME
me: *tapping swear jar with pencil*
[jaws theme plays]
Me: omg
Shark groom: omg she’s here
We’d like to remind passengers that free in-flight wi-fi is available for purchase immediately after take off
– airlines airlining
A game of cat and mouse, but it’s just me chasing random strangers when I see them with donut boxes.
Is it pspspspsps or spspspspsp?
~ asking for my cat
I would never want to go on a date with The Kool-Aid man partially because he is a large juice but mainly because I think the financial strain from the wall repair bills would cause issues in our relationship.
That bathwater had too much baby in it anyway.
My son graduated preschool last week, so naturally I’m saving all his artwork in the basement so I can give it to him when he’s 37.
My unemployed friends on a Wednesday at 1:30pm
I’m shocked every four years when for some reason everyone I know is an Olympics expert. I’ll go to a party and everyone’s like “Brazil’s sailing team is phenomenal this year”
ME: in closing, all of the facts I’ve presented today prove that Bush did 911
PRIEST: and now the bride will read the vows she has written
I wanna look like a snack this summer but I keep eating them
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I’m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.
My husband just asked me in the kindest voice if I wanted some water, and I said, “You know, I’d love some water?” And I turned around and he was carrying the dog’s water bowl to her….(Reader, he was not asking me if I wanted water.)
I hate when you go to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume
FB: you have memories to look back on
Wine: i’ll take care of this
Finally a use for spoilers…
Noted.
Its ridiculous that Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his anger issues and not for his amazing & realistic paintings of fake tunnels.
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
*calls bullshit
Bullshit: Who gave you my number.
it’s been 12 years since Shrek came out, I still can’t get over the fact that Donkey had sex with a dragon..