Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: oh that’s a brilliant question
Interviewer: But what’s the answer?
Me: Sarcasm
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Getting older means talking to less people and complaining about more people.
SHAKE WHAT YOUR MAMA GAVE YOU
*shakes buy one get one free coupon*
me: *falls down stairs*
kind stranger: oh, you poor thing!
me: *tears in my eyes* why did you have to bring my finances into this
Trump getting elected after Obama was not what they meant by Orange is the New Black
*Organizing closet*
Husband: Where do you want your wedding dress?
Me: Oh, just put it with the others.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
Everybody’s an atheist until the final two minutes of a sports game.
Keep microwaving fish in the office and stop wondering why you never get a desk by the windows.
I bought 4 bottles of wine and I seriously underestimated the severity of this quarantine.
Sitting with 7 y/o in garden. “Let’s go outside” he says. He appears to be referring to a dimension I cannot see.
*a caveman walking along a trail sees another set of footprints. he stops & shakes his head*
the traffic has gotten so bad here.
*sharpens claws of two dozen lobsters*
*sets loose in back yard*
*never mows again*
Job interview…
Interviewer “On your CV, it says that you are a man of mystery.”
“That’s correct.”
“Would you like to elaborate?”
“No.”
I just said “love you” to my boss when I put the phone down. Who’s got a spare room I can live out of?
Me at 5 pm: I wonder how many calories are in this shot of whiskey
Me at 9 pm: HoW mAnY cAlOrIeS iN a 5TH oF wHiSkEy *hiccup*
me: [trying to cheat in an exam]
teacher: I’m married
Kids today will never know the struggle of flipping a cassette tape in a Walk-Man will riding on a bicycle at the same time.
7AM, Sunday: Just dropped the dog off at little league practice, walked the goldfish and flushed 8 down the toilet. I’ll get a new one so my kid doesn’t notice.
*takes sip of coffee* ..wait
[First Date]
Me: So this has been great.
*moves in for a kiss*
Me: Jesus, a little handsy there.
Octopus: I can’t… I can’t help it.
Newton’s daughter had dem apple fallin genes, boots with the fur
I’d watch more Olympic figure skating if they had defense
4 y/o: What’s your job?
Me: I stay at home, take care of you, clean, cook the food…
4: That sounds boring. Do you want me to fire you?
[ocean’s 11 music]
So here’s the plan,we iron me flat, then slide me into an ATM via the card slot. Once inside, it’s a cash playground boys
Me: Dyin’ hard or hardly dyin’?
Bruce Willis: How do you keep getting into my house?
I’m not a religious person but I am thankful that God didn’t make spiders that fly.
“No no, remember I told you we don’t do that in our house..”
-Me, breaking up a cat fight.
My daughter now associates height with age and refuses to believe I could be older than someone that’s 5’5”
You know you’re hung over when people recognize you but they think you’re E.T.
Set your phone alarm to a song you hate. You won’t hit snooze, because then you’d have to hear Nickelback again.
PRIEST: If there’s any reasons these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace.
ME: *quietly tries to open a bag of chips*