doctor: what’s wrong?
me: nobody can tell the time anymore
doctor: *on the intercom* janice, we’ve got another one, cancel my 38 o’clock
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The Hallmark channel. Where else can you watch a two hour movie and not recognize a single actor?
I couldn’t work at Popeyes… I’ll be walking around my whole shift with drumsticks and thighs poking out of my pockets…
[Interview]
“Describe yourself in one word.”
Me: Lethargic.
I always strip to the waist when I quit a job.
if we all just stop paying bills at the same time what they gon do
I’m being held hostage in the front room by the cat guarding a slow worm in the kitchen 😱
If someone challenged me to a pie fight, I’d 100% choose the apple pie in the freezer.
I have my own hand stamper at home so my coworkers will think I went someplace fun the night before.
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
[snowman rings doorbell]
Pardon me, but I overheard someone say something about a “snow blower” and was wondering where I might find one.
Stop.
I feel confident that the person who created banana Laffy Taffy had never even seen a banana.
called in thicc to work this morning
For somebody who ate their twin in utero I sure am a fussy eater
[at the club]
Me: I got the moves
Her: it’s “runs”
My kid is mad that his little brother asked for a sip then drank all his water and I never knew justice could taste so sweet
One minute you’re young and carefree, and the next you’re the person who says, “Did you fall in?” when someone’s in the bathroom too long.
(Puckers up & makes best kissy face)
Officer taking mugshot: Stop that.
ME: I’ll have the pasta with mushroom, aka the fungus of the woods.
DATE: You know when you say it like that it’s not very appetizing.
ME: Oh, sorry! I’ll have the shrimp instead, aka the cockroach of the sea.
please god what the hell did i do to deserve all this *flashback to 12 years ago when i threw a flashbang at my own team in CounterStrike*
Learning how to break wooden boards in karate is important in case you ever get in a fight with a house.
The only time I’ll care about Basketball:
Every time I find a new gray hair I text my mother to tell her I’m calling it one of the many grandchildren names she passive aggressively suggested to me over the years.
*curtsying before the royal duck court*
M’allard!
Spider-Man: Hey. Are you okay?
Thor: It’s just not my day.
Spider-Man: Well it is Thursday though.
Thor:
My daughter asked if we can just pretend she’s being well behaved and tbh I think it might be easier for both of us
“Let’s call it a day.”
I don’t know what else you’d call it.
Calling it a turtle would just sound stupid.
“Lets call it a turtle.”
See?
I’ll be providing your mandatory security training today. “Stop clicking things!”
Me (severely dehydrated): This churro is overcooked, and I can barely taste the cinnamon
Lifeguard: sir, put down the pool noodle
FRIEND: What do you think?
ME: *passing joint* Hell yes!