ER Dr: What are you doing?
Me: I’m decorating.
ER Dr: Why?
Me: According to my bill I live here now.
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Todd on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Todd? Most people love it.
[Drug deal]
How do I know you’re not a cop
-If I was a cop would I do this?
*Starts breakdancing*
Thats not as much proof as you think it is
[moon landing]
ME: the beagle has landed
HOUSTON: you mean eagle?
ME: (holding the puppy I snuck onboard) nope
Me: have a good day make good choices!
My kid: no promises!
Him: I’m a morning person
Me *scared of werewolves* w…what are you at night??
[world without bees]
Hamlet: to or not to
My license has hair and eye color listed as “BRO” and I’m like… 😎 I know right.
#rubbishjokes
I don’t like Russian dolls.They are so full of themselves.
Sleepless in Seattle starring Tom Honks and Meg Ryan (1993)
Lil Brain – Out of Leads
My father always told me “You can accomplish anything you set your mind to.” I must have set my mind to calories.
Me: *places a hold on a book in the Libby app*
Libby app: There’s a 36 week wait on this book.
Me: *starts another book while I wait*
*two hours later*
Libby app: Your hold is ready.
6-year-old: Is it cold outside?
Me: Yeah. You should put on a sweater.
6: I should stay home.
If you can get the pronouns right for a boat you can get them right for a person
[literally every petting zoo]
Zookeeper: wanna pet a goat?
Me: [shrugs] I guess
Zookeeper: k cool. Cuz we got, like, 90% goats here.
If my girlfriend hired cheaters they’d just tell her “the whole goddamn day, he looked up from his phone twice and once it was to sneeze”
Me: [butchering a raw pork shoulder]
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: What?
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: Poke…poke the pork?
Child: Yes.
Me: WHY
Child: It looks squishy.
Me: It IS squishy.
Child:
Me:[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE YOU TWO POKING THE PORK
I’m choking laughing omfg 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
How many children do I want to have? Kind of a weird question for a first date, but umm I guess enough to finish the temple
COPS: We know you killed him
ME: I didn’t do it!
COPS: really? *starts playing Shakira*
ME: wait no
MY HIPS: HE’S UNDER THE FLOOR BOARDS
SOMEONE LEFT. A FULL PLATE OF COOKIES. AND A GLASS OF MILK. RIGHT BY THE FIREPLACE FOR ME. I AM NOT KIDDING. WHAT A NIGHT
I posted “I did it!!!” to Facebook and got a ton of congratulations but nobody realized I was confessing.
Not to brag but a girl at this party said I look like the Hulk, of course it was when I was turning green from drinking too much, but still…
.@LAPD My wife made hazelnut “coffee” with my coffee maker. Send all available units.
The Count of Monte Cristo is my favourite book about French Sesame Street.
I remember being about 6 years old and my grandfather did an Easter egg hunt for me and my sister. We looked for hours and found nothing. He later told us it was to teach us a very valuable lesson: Easter is not in November.
It didn’t intend to write my 7-year-old’s school paper for him but I thought it was best for both of us I take over when he asked me how to spell serial killer.
My mom wants to see 50 Shades of Gray with me… I screamed, “OH HELL NO” and suggested we see Cinderella instead.
My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge.
I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.
me: i have a thought
twitter: are you sure you want to choose violence?