*Whispers, spitters are for quitters.
~Wine tasting, you pervs!
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A haunted house but for your spouse and lurking behind every corner is a larger and larger Amazon box.
Wait unicorns aren’t real?
Are you saying that I made out with a regular horse?
My fear of ascending to the top of shopping malls is escalating.
Some days I feel like my life is going super well, & then I get my hair caught in my umbrella.
And also my car door.
If you don’t have a dog whistle, you can use two teenage girls who have not seen each other in forever.
If you’ve ever wanted to reconnect with people you haven’t seen in ages, take a quick trip to the grocery store looking like complete shit.
Me: What would it take for you to get into the same water tank with a giant phantom jellyfish?
Her: A lot. I’m pretty spineless when it comes to such things.
Me: The cool thing about writing is that you learn a lot about yourself.
*learns a lot about myself*
Me: aaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
I see WWIII is about to kick off again. I’d best cancel the milk and get the cat in.
German chocolate cake is just regular cake that doesn’t talk about the 40’s
I keep a knife in my Bible so if someone wants to kill me, I ask to read it & when I get to the 6th Commandment, I stab them in the face.
Spoiler alert: Doctor Strange could not become a Sorcerer Supreme until he learned to like sour cream.
Just told my toddler to eat 5 bites of her dinner, to which she replied I was horrible. So I counted the number 3 twice. Biotch.
[Ancient Greek Dandruff Shampoo Commercial]
MEDUSA: *looking super embarrassed, trying to casually brush a bunch of shed snake skins off her shoulders*
*skydiving with my friend who’s always bragging about being a vegetarian. we pull our ripcords & his parachute deploys but a bunch of lettuce, tomatoes & diced cucumbers fly out of mine. i yell to him as i fall away*
HMM, VERY INTERESTING. SO, SALADS ACTUALLY CAN BE BAD FOR YOU
Do people who take performance enhancing drugs know nothing of coffee?
Santa Clause slides down the chimney of his cabin. He turns to Mrs. Clause
“The hell is that?”
I had a door installed
“The hell is a door?”
“I have $73 in my bank account!” sounded a lot cooler when I was 12.
I’m teaching my boys to leave the toilet seat up so there’s no pee on it when I put it down. Everything is a lie and life is a bad dream.
I just laid on my cat’s keyboard while he was working on a last minute PowerPoint presentation.
I love how my 4yo takes the time to stop what she’s doing to give me advice whenever I’m struggling, “maybe next time take the bread out of the oven before it burns.” That’s a good point, thanks.
Why does toothpaste drop off your toothbrush so easily but then turn into a type of thermosetting polymer that’s impossible to wash away?
There’s a book called “Why Women have sex” by Cindy Meston. The author also wrote”Why Men have sex” but I’m guessing thats just a pamphlet.
If you are ever a dog, just refuse to eat for like two days, and after that, your person will be so happy you are eating, you will get as much chicken as you like
Every time I’m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.
I was arrested on suspicion of accessory to peeing in a pigpen but my lawyer says they’ll drop the charges if I squeal
Probably even more relevant for the next couple of days.
“Just make sure he knows these are for Christmas AND his birthday”
Happy Birthday if it’s yours today.
2020 became the year I purchased a printer and remembered that printers are the hardest problem in computer science.
What my back needs
*always thought ‘copulation’ was the amount of police officers in a given country.