A candle with no wick, is just wax, but a wick with no wax, is just string.
What else… ummm… no, I guess that concludes my TED Talk.
You Might Also Like
We’re going to have 27 people over for Thanksgiving this year. I’m going to earn a little extra money by setting up a paywall on my Wi-Fi.
So. I didn’t win the lottery again. If this run of bad luck continues much longer, I may have to consider actually buying a ticket one day.
*spills water on pants*
ok don’t let anyone think you peed your pants
“hey what happ–”
MY WATER BROKE, GET ME TO THE HOSPITAL
me: I just don’t think this relationship is healthy for either of us
bucket of fried chicken:
When I learned what calculators did, I immediately cleared the “math” part of my brain to make room for more movie quotes.
CASHIER: Would you like a plastic bag you worthless, turtle killing garbage person?
The part of the Harry Potter movies that I found most unbelievable was that mostly unsupervised teenagers never had wild keg parties.
When I die I want a memorial bench with a plaque that simply says ‘WET PAINT’ because I don’t want people sitting on my bench.
It looks like our local Walgreens is dressing up as Christmas for Halloween.
My friends are talking about going to a club after dinner and drinks and while I know the time goes back tonight I didn’t realize it was going back to 2004
“This is why I hate fancy restaurants, I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
Tonight at my restaurant job a middle-aged white woman looked me right in the eyes, held up the debit machine to me and said, “Can you show me how to not leave a tip?” SO START CROWDFUNDING MY BAIL MONEY Y’ALL IT’S GO TIME THIS IS WHAT WE’VE TRAINED FOR
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: why
Wife: because you always make up lies to get me intrigued
Me: well then I guess you’ll never find the buried treasure
what I say: WE RIDE AT DAWN
what I mean: Let’s meet at noonish for brunch and a nature walk
cop: did anyone follow you here
jesus: no
cop: i’m not so sure, there’s a van across the street with twelve guys in it
Ha.
I just brushed my hair while wearing a fuzzy sweater and now I can make a streetlight come on by touching it.
Elmo: Oscar, why are you a grouch?
Oscar: Growing up, my parents were-
*stabs Elmo with broken beer bottle*
CUZ I LIVE IN A TRASHCAN.
Me: *holds an old lady’s hand as I cross the street*
Cop: Where …. Where is the rest of her??!!!
‘Twas the day before Lent, and when it was done, not a creature was sober, not even a nun.
Easter tip: Tell your kids you hid an egg with $50 in it in the backyard but you don’t remember where. Enjoy a quiet day indoors.
I don’t think it’s rude to keep standing if you go to someone’s house and their furniture is ugly
When someone accuses me of making up a word I severely chastigate them.
Please stop putting flyers on my windshield in parking lots. I have no desire to see your new band called “Parking Violation”.
Your Czech is in the mail.
-Mail order brides
Would you rather fight an army of duck billed platypuses or one human sized super duck billed platypus? These are the questions that keep me up at night.
[sees annoying coworker at store]
Him: Hey, what’s new?
Me: [gets right up in his face] Stuart, EVERYTHING in here is new.
The cable company told me they would send a guy out and I need to be home between the hours of 1pm and 2014.
lawyer: just say you were with a friend
me: ok
[later]
cop: where were you that night?me: robbing the house *winking at my lawyer* with my friend
Hospitals don’t like it when you unplug things to charge your phone w/ out asking first