Me: what do you want for lunch?
3yo: a pickle.
Me: a pickle is not a meal.
3yo: two pickles.
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CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATOR: the cause of death is blunt force trauma
CRIME SCENE INVESTICROCODILE: I think your rounded snout looks stupid
I’m as hard to open up as a grocery store produce bag.
Whenever I go grocery shopping I make sure I’m stuck behind the people who have never seen food on shelves before.
My son asked me what it’s like to be a parent so I woke him up at 3 a.m. to let him know that I couldn’t sleep.
Me: Girl you must be tired cos you have been running through my mind ALL day!
Her: really?
Me: nah, you do look tired though.
ME: you really put the cute in executione-
WARDEN: alright hit the switch
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…Florist- “Umm. You’re gonna have to pay for those.”
Doc: This pill may cause:
Heart attack, stroke, minor weight gain, and deathMe: WOAH BACK UP, weight gain? I’m out.
When someone really pisses you off and you know you can’t physically do anything.
Just look at them through a fork and pretend you put them in jail.
Wrapping gifts and one kid has more than the other so to even it up I hope she likes this bag of potatoes.
13-year-old: Do you know where the cord is to the electric keyboard?
Me, knows exactly where it is: No.
What if because of climate change, Nessie is forced to emerge and blend with society and we find out it’s the sweetest, most caring, nurturing creature ever? And all of you a-holes have been calling it ‘monster’ when the monster is really YOU!?
*gets Ouija board*
Spirits, are there Pringles in the kitchen?
warden: instead of a last meal you want a movie?
me: yes, a final film
warden: ok, what do you want to watch
me: *smiles wide* the neverending story
[107 minutes later]
me: ok, that’s bullshit
Everyone at Thanksgiving table:
Me: Wait I thought you said bring a side piece
Decided don’t want to have children. Wonder if the wife will accept my decision. Suppose the kids may not be best pleased either.
She gets stoked after reading:
“Big strapping boxer” on dating siteBut soon discovers he’s a 475 lb.
guy working in shipping at Amazon.
Me: the enemy of my enemy is my friend
Enemy of my enemy: no, i don’t like you either
most cutting thing you can say is “who’s this clown?” because it implies they’re a) a clown & b) not even one of the better-known clowns
Pixar: so it starts with the love story of childhood sweethearts Carl and Elle
Me: omg they’re perfect
Pixar: right? later he goes on a great adventure in a floating house!
Me: haha and what does she do
Pixar:
Me: Pixar what is she doing during the great adventure
You can totally mistake a slipper for a cat when you don’t have your glasses on. Even after you pet it, you can’t be sure.
Remember when “anyone can grow up to be President” was aspirational, not an existential threat?
Sometimes I have hope for future generations, but then I watch a high school student pick a booger on a Zoom call.
Biden: Told Trump about Carter’s ghost in the West Wing
Obama: Carter is still alive
Biden: He doesn’t know that
little known fact: bill nye is short for william new years eve
mowed ⅓ of the lawn before my body remembered I haven’t exercised in 40 years
If you see a guy in an executioner’s hood feeding a deer into a Coinstar today just let me do my thing.
ME: what time would you like me at the restaurant?
HER: I don’t even like you now
Million Dollar Idea: Teach pugs to DJ, create a new genre of music…pugstep.