8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
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Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
If you’re wondering what all these scratches on my chest are from, it’s because my cat hates to get in the hot tub with me.
This should not be this funny I am sorry😭😭😭
Why do my fully charged AirPods deplete at different rates? Do I listen harder out of one ear?
I pledged to pick up 10 pieces of trash on Tuesday. So, I’m going to Walmart to see if anyone needs a ride.
*adds humanitarian to resume
The parent-teacher conference is going great. They have no idea I’m not the teacher.
Who needs horror films when there are true crime docs on Tinder dating
You can use the phrase “lickity split” as much as you want at work and they can’t fire you.
My fiancee knows that I would kill for her, and it’s really annoying that she hasn’t asked me to yet.
the way parents struggle with understanding remote work is funny.
me: *comes down to grab some water*
mum: is everything okay, did you take permission?
mil: are they happy with you?
me: 😂😂😂😂 I Dont know guys, leave me alone 😂
I walked a girl home last night, and things got a little awkward at one point.
She turned around and found out I was walking her home.
Everyone: Wow, I love your official animal.
Aussies: Thanks, it has pockets.
friend: why do u look sad
me: I have wrongdog
friend: what’s wrongdog
me: *big breath in*
I hope it’s French Onion!
me: who are some of your favourite postmen? who inspires your craft? postman: please take your fingers out of the slot. i can’t put the letters in
Don’t ask too many questions here. Curiosity kills the chat.
ER: Ma’am, are you allergic to any medications?
Me: I’m not answering your silly questions until you give me the wifi password.
Judge: I need you to digitize all of my case resolutions and then make backups, on a remote server.
Law clerk: You want me to cloud your judgements?
J: You’re in contempt.
Sorry I hung up on you, I didn’t mean to answer the call.
This year I have a few special people on my list that will get expired gift cards wrapped up with tons of glitter.
My neighbor’s 13-month old only has four teeth. She’s way too young to being doing that much meth.
If you are going to make me scan my own groceries, give me an intercom too
Hell is where Sarah Palin is president, Taylor Swift is in love with me, and Kim Kardashian names all the children
So Canada gets an entire day? What about Narnia or Middle-Earth or Westeros or other made up places #CanadaDay
ME: Im a secret agent
THEM: With like the FBI
ME: Idk its a secret
Those Weren’t Raisinets: A Mouse Tale
My grandmother found my original Strawberry Shortcake doll from the 80s and it still smells delicious and I’m wondering what kind of chemical warfare substance N perfume they put on these dolls back in the day that it has lasted for so long.
[PetSmart]
*approaches checkout with bird seed*
“that all for you today?”
Yes. How long does it usually take?
“For what?”
For them to grow
Seventh-Grade Class Scrambling To Piece Together Teacher’s Home Life From Desktop Background Before PowerPoint Opened