“I love potatoes in my mouth!!”
Ok, yes kid, we all do but you gotta be way more chill about it
You Might Also Like
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] we lost a man, but we gained a corpse
Microdosing being a pigeon by delivering a letter.
Thinking of leaving a fake bloody arm inside the blood pressure machine at this CVS pharmacy.
People who pretend they don’t know me when they see me in public are the real heroes
I wish forks had three prongs instead of four. I’d feel so powerful eating with a miniature trident. I want to dominate my food, not give it acupuncture.
There is no App,
To Replace your Lap!Read to your child.
#Mothersday #booklovers
If Natalie Portman dated Jacques Cousteau they would win celebrity couple nicknaming forever with “Portmanteau.”
new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people had asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
*live news report
– You survived a fall of thousands of feet…
– Yes.
– Parachute failed?
– Parachute? Haha. No. It was raining centipedes.
Hey did you guys hear me do that pushup?
What doesn’t kill you was only practicing.
1997: Skynet becomes self-aware
2029: T-1s are sent to kill Sarah Connor
2034: Warranty expires on T-1s. 99% of them break down within hours
My imaginary girlfriend rolled in at 2:30 this morning, so things are a little tense over here.
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
The devil whispered to me, “I’m coming for you.”
I whispered back, “bring pizza”
Given that our animals have pockets I think we can agree that Australia is more evolved than the rest of the world.
ELEPHANT COP: I recognize you
LION: I just have one of those familiar faces
ELEPHANT COP: You don’t know who the hell you’re dealing with
ME WATCHING OLYMPIC EVENT: “Holy shit that was amazing!”
COMMENTATOR: “Ooh, that was not good at all. He must really be upset with himself.”
Doctor: Do you have any allergies?
Me: Cats.
Doc: I meant allergies to medications.
Me: Do they make medications from cats?
Doc: No.
Me: Then no.
So it turns out the child that cost me the most money in the Legoland store……was me.
Another day another opportunity to tell my toddler that if she doesn’t want to see my nose boogers she could try not looking up my nostrils.
My husband was out with a friend of ours and texted me that he had crazy news about him, then wouldn’t text me the news and said it had to be told in person, so I had no choice but to file for divorce.
AC changed “dies slow death” to “does slow death” and that actually feels more on point
When people show up unexpectedly for dinner:
Tonight we have slow boiled hot dog sat upon Dempsters bun with a tomato puree beside carrot sticks and crispy potato patty garnished with strawberry slices
10yo: How do you make a math book happy?
Me: IDK. How?
10yo: Solve the problems.
Someone give her a Dad Card. She’s ready.
I must have more than ten fingers because I broke like 17 nails today
I have a disorder where every time I leave my house I spend $100
If you don’t stop holding those grudges they’re never going to learn to walk on their own.
they always announce when a famous person dies but they never announce when a famous person is born