his palms are sweaty, knees weak, palms are sweaty. he forgot his lyrics already, palms are sweaty
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[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
Life is always one step forward, two steps back…Then slide to the left…Slide to the right. CRISS CROSS!!!
“Let’s walk over there” “ok” -couple a cows
ME: whose dog are you
DOG: I’M YOUR DOG I’M YOUR DOG YES YES YES TWIRL TWIRL
ME: whose cat are you
CAT: Possession is a solipsistic paradigm, Vivian. However, if I were to define myself as belonging to anyone, it would be myself. In this essay, I will DON’T TOUCH MY STOMACH
[Bending down with my hands on my knees]
“Where is your mother?”
~ me to anyone under the age of 30
Fish don’t seem that stupid to me. If a burrito dropped out of the sky and hung in mid air I’d prob eat it.
Everyone shut up, my 1st grader is telling me a 30-minute long story about how Laberham Lincoln got shot.
They should use real bears in the Charmin commercials
i’m boycotting girl scout cookies until they’re honest enough to list the serving size as “sleeve”
No one asks you to hold their baby if you’re standing next to a wood chipper
*robbers burst into bank*
EVERYONE PUT YOUR HANDS UPDOG
*bank manager frowns*
What’s updog?
WE’RE ROBBING THIS BANK WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
Worst part of being an idiot is always forgetting it. If I was a smart person, I’d remember I was an idiot from the start and plan around it
I never got why people liked sitting home without pants so much until I was without a job for a week. Now I don’t get why people have jobs.
me when i know i have to be awake in a couple of hours
Me: I’ve got mismatched socks do you think that’s ok
Wife: I don’t think anyone’s gonna notice
Me: I’m gonna tell em
Fun Fact – The faster you walk around the office the more important you are
[making out]
ME: *grabs a blindfold from the nightstand*
GIRLFRIEND: omg really?
ME: *blindfolding the dog at the end of the bed* really.
“That’ll be $19.94.”
*pulls out $50 bill*
“Sorry, we’ve had a problem with counterfeit bills. Have anything smaller?”
*pulls out $25 bill*
Took the batteries out of the carbon monoxide alarm because the loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.
There was a magnetic necklace for sale at the $1.25 store. It was simultaneously unattractive and attractive.
I started a book club. A coloring book club. There’s a line to get in. We’re never on the same page. Nothing’s black & white. We’re well red
me: *walking my dog*
her: ah, what’s he called?
my dog: john
My mom: why didn’t you say yes when I asked if you had a boyfriend?
Me: you asked if there were any “lucky men” in my life. My boyfriend’s life is miserable
Me: Gets something in eye
Brain: Quick stick your finger in there too
hey Disney-Pixar here’s an idea maybe make a movie where the daughter ACTUALLY LISTENS TO HER FATHER
A loaf of bread where the first three slices are just previews of the blockbuster bread products coming out next summer.
My husband just told me to relax, like he doesn’t remember we’re camping in the desert and I brought a shovel.
I bet when kittens go to work in kitten offices that there’s always one kitten whose cubicle is decorated with pictures of lonely old ladies
Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill – tomorrow I think I’ll actually turn it on!
why just edible underwear? why not an entire edible wardrobe? i wanna eat a parka off my wife before sex