Netflix asked if I was still watching Barbie Dreamhouse Adventures and I clicked continue watching and then realised none of the kids had been in the room for at least half an hour
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doc: the bad news is your insurance is terrible
me: what’s the good news
doc: you won’t need it for long
Wine doesn’t have many vitamins. That’s why you have to drink a lot of it.
Thank you, true crime show, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn’t stop that murder.
It never fricken fails; I wash my car, and the very next day, I hit a pedestrian.
You have to listen to the babysitter, I say to my kids as if they listen to me
ME: Table…table doesn’t look great
JESUS: Through me you will have eternal life
ME: ok cool but you SPECIFICALLY said you were a carpenter
This is the scale that I will be using for everything from now on.
Having a mustache is a great way to stop people from drawing a mustache on you in permanent marker while you sleep.
If I had a twin, whenever someone asked which one of us was older, I’d tell them that we both came out at the exact same time.
Nobody said you have to like your colleagues.
But apparently there are some explicit rules about poisoning them.
My flight was delayed
-boring
-pathetic
-i never would have let that happen to meI have been waylaid on my voyage
-oh shit
-thats so mysterious what does he mean
-this guy must be forlorn as hell
Hiding the bank statement from your husband is the new hiding your report card from your parents.
I was raised by a single mother who worked 60 hours a week. Today I was too lazy to eat a mango.
My first son he is wonderful
My DNA came back saying I come from a wide selection of cheeses.
Astronomers believe a black hole that’s 5 centimeters wide might be orbiting the Sun somewhere beyond Pluto.
We’re not going to try to do anything about it.
And that’s how small problems become large problems.
Me: What sneakers are you wearing?
Her: Converse
Me: Omg Sandra, that’s what I’m trying to do.
I wonder if this guy ahead of me in line would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.
“I’m tired of getting out of my car to take a shit.” – guy about to invent the R.V.
before meds: *hates everything*
after meds: *feels good about hating everything*
It’s me lowering myself down like the upside down kiss scene in Spider-Man but to eat a croissant out of a bakery display
Establish your dominance with the drive-thru attendant by saying, “That completes my order” before they ask.
The worst part of waking up from a nap is the noise my coworkers make in the office.
Hi, 911? I see someone from high school in this coffee shop and they’re the type to corner & chat me up and I don’t know what to do HI LAURA
[at the office]
Secretary: There’s a fax here for you.
Me: When did it arrive?
Secretary: 1983.
Me: Great. Let me know when the pony express pulls up with the mail from 1861.
Friend: I wish this candy bar had less calories.
Me: Let me see it…
*eats half and hands it back*
…wish granted.
waiter: would you like a table?
me: yes, the multiplication please
my sentiments exactly
Mom: Did you dye your hair?
* twirling my fingers through my freshly coloured brown ear *
How did you know?
Me: I twisted a muscle in my leg.
Physio: Running?
Me: Sleeping.