Why do I “need” an assault rifle? Why did Rosa Parks “need” to sit in the front of the bus? Because Merica, that’s why.
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I’m lazy, but not ‘The guy who named blackbirds’ lazy.
People who love dark chocolate are always so snobby about it. Relax. It’s just chocolate, you elitist ninnies.
Welcome to your 40s: that “teenager”over there is actually 27.
Her: I want you to dress up as your biggest fear this year.
Me: Ok, but how do I make a costume out of you finding my unlocked phone?
Nothing takes longer than the Amazon truck, that is 4 stops away
“You’re a HORRIBLE parent!”
– my daughter because I won’t let her use a chainsaw to make a treehouse.
Look picnics, if I wanted to spend three hours protecting my food with a spork, I’d just go to prison.
Your house doesn’t have to be fancy like Graceland or Monticello for it to have a name. I named mine Fred
There are two types of people in this world.
1. People who have a favourite brand of water.
2. People I don’t want to kill.
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
Dr: You’re diabetic. Too much sugar and I’ll have to amputate your legs.
Me: *shoving Cinnabon in mouth* Can I get those cool blade ones?
In the United States a man gets kicked in the groin every 6.2 seconds. I would hate to be that man.
You found a baby spider in here?
-Yeah, but only one.
*Googles avg # of spiders hatched*
*eyes widen*Just. One?
[Never. Sleeps. Again.]
Miss 9: When I grow up I’m going to have this house. When you.. you know..
Someone tweets “pizza,” I want pizza.
Someone tweets “donut,” I want a donut.
Someone tweets “kale,” I want pizza and a donut.
For all we know, half the birds are telling the other birds to shut up.
Do dogs understand elevators or are they just like ok it’s time to get into the world changer
It feels like Duolingo is giving me writing prompts for a very specific story
Friend: check out my conscience shell
Me: you mean conch? *holds up to ear*
Shell: you saw those kids get in that van and you did nothing
*buys dog mask*
*shits on neighbors’ lawn*
Still waiting for a politician to abruptly resign because someone on Twitter with 27 followers told them to.
Luke is so old now he just uses the Force to keep the neighborhood kids off his lawn
Please remind your boss & Aunt Linda that I’ve trademarked the phrase “in these uncertain times” and they each owe me 50 bucks.
me, trying to order a floral arrangement by phone:
Hi, what is the price of something…flowery? Yes, I’d like a floral arrangement made of flowers. Do I have any preferences? No….just something floral….like, with flowers. Something with petals. Thank you. 🥴
[first day as a microbiologist]
me: my god… i’ve never seen a strain like this
boss: [through toilet stall] GET OUT
me: so *slaps hood* what will it take to get me into this beauty?
car salesman: you cannot have my sweatshirt
If a neighbor rolls up in a golf cart to your new house, he’s either the really fun neighbor or he’s your new HOA overlord.
My son just let a girl “borrow” his hoodie.
Should I tell him now or let him learn?
MY WIFE:We named you after our favorite songs. You were mine
LAYLA: I love that
ME: And you mine
THEME FROM DUCKTALES: No, yeah, I figured
You come home from a long day at work, you want to relax with a movie, you pop in a blu-ray, turn down the lights, press play, and the first thing you see is an angry lion roaring at you. No wonder Hollywood is dying.