5-year-old: I missed chicken nugget day at daycare.
Me: So?
5-year-old: My life is falling apart.
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“Update your Adobe or you’ll be sleeping with the fishes”
– Flash mob
At the age where a big break could mean either my career or a hip
I have almost 120,000 miles on my office chair.
Hour 6 without sex:
(oh, you mean with someone else?)
Year 8 without sex:
[showing date how to eat a lobster] pull the meat from the claw. good. now get your ketchup ready
me: so you know when you lie on a resume and then you get the job and you’re just like, “I know how to do literally none of this”?
copilot: you’re leaning on the intercom.
Our brain took two billion years to evolve. Two billion trips around the Sun. All so humans can use it to look at kittens on the Internet.
You could murder someone in California and they wouldn’t even arrest you as long as you properly composted the body.
Lost about 3 pounds in the last 10 mins
(shaved my back and shoulders)
55% of all country music songs in the ’70s described the tightness of someone’s jeans
Wife: I just heard something downstairs.
Me: It’s just the wind.
Wife: Go and see.
Me: You can’t see wind, Claire.
By age 35 you should:
-live in a cave on a mountain
-hate everyone
-try to destroy christmas at least once
-develop the capacity for empathy and compassion but only after your scheme fails
Today was so terrible, I thought
Steven Seagal was in it.
next time you hear The Boys Are Back In Town think of me, the unsung hero, who chases the boys out of town with a broom
I never believed dad-senses were a real thing until I had kids but now I can smell weather and hear people changing the thermostat.
Right after Marie Kondo we went through a year of buying crap we don’t need out of sheer cabin fever.
No, YOU heard a sad song on your headphones and cried while on the treadmill at your neighborhood gym.
[sending smoke signals]
*your*
*house*
*is*
*on*
*fire*
Dog keeps sighing melodramatically. I know he wants me to ask him what’s wrong, but I’m not falling for it.
Boss: “Are you texting?”
Me: “No, I’m Tweeting.”
Boss: “What’s the difference?”
Me: “Texting would imply that I have friends.”
There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.
11yos doing remote school be like, help me with this, no not like that, no not like that either, ugh forget it I’ll do it myself, seriously it’s fine I’ll figure it out, ughhh you’re so annoying just leeeeeave, wait I need help come back
It’s amazing how water drops from my shower make little faces all around.
I see Mona Lisa on the wall,
A cute Pikachu on the glass,
And my neighbor’s face in the bathroom window.
Tom Cruise has never starred in a movie where his character description didn’t include the word “hotshot.”
20s wristband:
After hours club.50s wristband:
Colonoscopy at the hospital.
If they really loved you, they’d absorb you through osmosis.
As an atheist I don’t receive many xmas cards and the ones I do disproportionately say “may God have mercy on your soul.”
[1994]
*rewinds tape with a pencil*[2016]
*gets angry when I accidentally close the music app*
I love money. I set it free and it didn’t come back. Relationships are hard.