Him: You’ll always be the one that got away. Me: Escaped. Him: What? Me: I said Thanks.
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I trust Chick-fil-A so much that I don’t even check my bag and if they get my order wrong I just assume they know what’s best for me.
Took my toddler for a long walk like a goddamned super mom…lost his stroller in the creek like the mom I actually am.
my favorite part of nextdoor is seeing neighbors toss around the latest street slang such as ‘casing the joint’
We might appreciate window lickers more if they had squeegees for tongues.
Welcome to your 40s. You now have one random eyebrow hair that grows faster than the rest
Me: Don’t tell me you’ve never thought about having sex with me.
Her: No, I never have….
Me: I asked you not to tell me that.
The people who make sexy noises when they stretch are my kinda people.
Day 4 of quarantine – my dog wants me to go to work
I coughed twice, so now I’m worried that the £67.43 in my bank account won’t split evenly between my two children when I die.
Got a passcode lock that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong code to look in my phone.
I now have fifty pictures of drunk me.
“What race was the guy?” – a question you’ll never have to ask my uncle during a story.
Don’t follow me… I once sat in a traffic jam for 5 minutes getting pissed off while everyone lined up behind me, but I realised they were parked cars
You people who don’t wear glasses don’t realize how gratifying it is to take them off and rub your eyes when someone’s being a moron.
THIS HEADLINE
[calling front desk]
ME: Hey can y’all wash these sheets for me
CONCIERGE: Uh oh something naughty?
ME: [thinking about how I made myself into a blanket burrito with real beans] yah
Cop: Will I find any drugs in your car?
Me: I don’t know but if you do, I’m not sharing.
cashier: “would you like to donate to fight hunger?”
me: “oh, hunger wants to rumble?”
*dip knuckles in syrup & then in Cheerios
“im ready”
earth: *typing symptoms into webmd*
webmd: *breathes in sharply* why don’t you go ahead and have a seat
Got food poisoning and the restaurant offered me a voucher for a free meal. You know, because they didn’t get me the first time.
The time between the nurse leaving the room and the doctor entering is for exploring and trying out as many tools as possible
a bathrobe is being naked with plausible deniability and pockets.
My phone case doesn’t expose the logo on the back. So it could be anything. I could be speaking on two mirrors with foam in the middle.
[daughter going on a date]
ME: I want her back at 9
DAUGHTER: dad, I’m 22
ME: you were cuter at 9
I ended up living in a storage unit the last time I took advice from a guy named Kyle
*people on Wheel of Fortune
“I enjoy skiing & doing crosswords”It’s never
“I like hamburgers & threesomes”
I figured out how to eat rice cakes. You have to frost them and then dip them into marshmallow fluff. Diet food isn’t so bad.
*years from now at my will reading*
Attorney: “it is to my dear children, that upon my passing I give the fortune which I have devoted my life to building its immense value…”
My kids: omg, Mom had a secret inheritance for us??
Attorney: “… my meme collection.”
According to the amount of chocolate I’ve eaten this year in these Advent calendars there’s 127 days in December.
Ninjas owed people money. You don’t get that good at hiding without owing people money.
[Party]
Me: so I went to the corner shop…and bought 4 corners hahahaColonel Mustard *jumps up* can you join me in the study?
Me: Yeah why?
Colonel Mustard *picking up candlestick* just come now