Welcome to middle age. You now do sock, shoe, sock, shoe to be more efficient when bending over.
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Instead of asking my kid if she’s brushed her hair, I ask if she’s cured cancer. I figure if I’m gonna be disappointed by the answer it might as well be about something really big
Hello Darkness my old friend.
Darkness (under his breath): Oh God, it’s him again.
Millipede Parent: This little piggy went to market…
*ten years later* …and this little piggy went weee all the way home.
[Camping]
Her: You didn’t bring food?
Him: No
Her: Or toilet paper?
Him: Why would we need toilet paper if we don’t have food?
*sees cute doctor in scrubs*
*falls over* HELP! I need mouth-to-mouth!Doc: …
Me: Aren’t you obligated to help?Husband: GET UP!
I had an irrational fear of bees until I saw My Girl and it became rational.
When they were saying “we will find a good home for him” I thought they were talking about the dog,I didn’t know they were talking about me!
Dear God,
Laying an egg once a month would have been preferable. Thanks for nothing.
~ All women
Hey Dad,
The airport called, if you don’t
turn down your TV, they’re filing
a complaint.
Me: I’m shy
Tequila: Not anymore
My parenting style is best described as “No” with a side of “Ugh. Fine, but please don’t hurt yourself.”
Mario Bros. Plumbing ★☆☆☆☆ (69 Reviews)
Hired them to clear my drain, stomped my turtle to death and ran off with my girlfri….
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Here are 5 things you should know about me:
1. I’m very secretive
Can I ask you a question without you getting mad?
-People who are about to piss you off
*eats a crab apple*
*watches all crabs with medical degrees scatter*
WIFE: Remember to check for firmness
ME: When should kids be allowed to date?
TOMATO: Minimum of 18 years old imo
ME: OK this one is good
No thanks, NASCAR. If I wanted to spend 8 hrs watching a car drive around in a big circle, I’d go on a road trip with my mom.
Got in a fight with my neighbor again because I tripped his breaker while using his outdoor Christmas lights as an extension cord for my outdoor Christmas lights.
[adopting dog]
VOLUNTEER: we need your life history to make sure this animal is safe[leaving hospital with baby]
DOCTOR: don’t let him die
insane our parents had to make multiple bad decisions to go bankrupt, we just have to get in an ambulance one time
started wrapping my pills in cheese
that kind of tired where you wanna tell people who sneeze repeatedly to quit celebrating their allergies so loud
My nutritionist suggested I eat in front of a mirror in order to slow down and not eat as much and HOLY SHIT THIS IS SO SEXY.
My astrological sign is KFC gravy
all toddlers look the same when telling a story
*first date*
Guy: I like when a girl has curvesMe, taking off my Spanx: behold
According to autocorrect, my favorite Star Wars character is Bob’s Feet.
My mom has more confidence in discovering the truth about the JFK assassination than me finding another husband
Son: I still dont get why people marry.
Me: Well son, when a man & woman love each other very much they make a series of horrible decisions
My daughter wrote a story at school about a sad cat that drinks cocktails so I should probably call her teacher