To the lady who flipped me off when I honked at you, your phone probably isn’t on top of your car anymore!
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Every surgery is exploratory if you have no idea what you’re doing
Found a USB that can be plugged both ways. Now I miss going wrong.
I bought the extended play version of Layla in 1972 and it just ended
I cheat on my taxes by sleeping with other people’s taxes.
Easy come, Bismillah!
easy go, No, we
will you let will not let
me go? you go
“Where does it hurt?” the doctor asked.
“Right Ear” replied the Englishman, pointing to his broken ankle.
*gently releases can of tuna into the ocean*
Go ahead, Little Buddy! You can do this!!!
We haven’t seen the full damage this epidemic will cause, that will happen in about five to seven months with all of the gender reveal parties.
Working from home has been nice but I’m starting to really miss frantically pressing the “close door” button as my coworker sprints towards the elevator
ME: I know it’s probably the beer talking, but you look beautiful tonight!
BEER: Hey buddy, don’t be putting words in my mouth now.
The vegetable crisper or as I call it, the cold garbage can.
Turn your trip to the grocery store into a ninja challenge by shopping strictly out of other people’s carts when they’re not looking.
My wife just gave me an ultimatum, it’s either her or Twitter.
So, sadly this will be my last tweet, where I mention having a wife.
Doctor: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in my bed
God: you’re a mosquito.
Mosquito: what does that mean?
God: you feed on blood.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire?
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: you can fly.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire!
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: garlic repels you.
Mosquito: [happy gasp] i’m an itty-bitty vampire!
Me: What would you do to a Klondike bar?
Wife: To or for?
Me: Just one
If the aliens turn hostile, McDonalds Sprite may be our last line of defense.
Whenever I say bad words like ‘diet’, I wash my mouth out with doughnuts.
Him: These candles are so romantic!
Me: They’re necessary for my human sacrifice ritual.
Dads have to rest their eyes in the living room cause they see all the injustice in the world.
Religion has been soaked in blood like the Parle-G biscuit that breaks off and settles at the bottom of your cup.
You can’t get in trouble for leaving work early if you disable the security cameras and crawl out the air-conditioning duct.
“Come on now, I’m sure that Megatron isn’t such a bad guy when you get to know him…” – Optimist Prime.
The girl in front of me googled “med school GPA” and then immediately after googled “what can I do with a biology degree”.
I have witnessed someone face reality.
*pulls out 50 inch TV*
What? It’s really a phone.
[phone rings]
CREEPY VOICE: i know what you did last summer
ME: ?!?
CREEPY VOICE: same thing we all did, try to not get covid
some stupid little amoeba decided to leave the ocean a billion years ago and now i have to worry that tomorrow is monday
Pro tip…Excessive use of alcohol can cause memory loss or worse memory loss.
Everyone is a surgeon when you wash your hands and have to walk across the room for the towel.
*alien tries to burst through chest
*years of fried foods have made my stomach walls unbreakableMe: HAHA!
Alien: Laugh it up, now I have to go out the other way
Me: