[aircraft carrier]
*paints a T on the helipad*
Captain: No it has to have an H
Me: Why?
*train sounds approaching*
Captain: Oh dear god
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One time a guy came up to me at a bar and said “do you like air conditioning” and I said “yea” and he said “me too.” and he just walked away. I miss him everyday
My body says you’re tired go to sleep, my mind says have you ever thought about why only elephants have knees like ours.
are those your eyebrows, or did you headbutt a box of Sharpies
Note to self: Remove “Does anyone else know you’re here?” from list of first date small talk questions.
6. me as a lawyer
me: on second thoughts, hold the mayo
If Pringles really wanted the fun to never stop they’d make those tube things like 5 feet long.
When I die I want people to say “Hmm, I didn’t know you could die like that.”
Not saying I’m lazy, but if we had a motion detector alarm in our house it wouldn’t have gone off all day yesterday, even though I was home.
Wife: I just vacuumed so don’t make a mess
Daughter: Yeah, don’t make a mess dad
Me: I’m not the one she was *drops sandwich* dammit
[interview]
What’s your greatest weakness?
ME: Probably avoiding tough questions
Can you elaborate on that?
ME: Oh hey look at the time!
Him: pick up those new bareskin condoms.
*later*
Him: why is there hair on this & wtf, is that a claw?
Me: next time get them yourself. Do you know how hard it is to skin a bear?
17 animal photos that will make you do a double take
confuse your coworkers today by telling them you’re going to the restroom to do a “number 3”
Me: first, I wish for you to not judge me
Genie: okay
Me: second, I wish Disney would make another Tarzan sequel
Genie: k…
Me: third, I wish we were at McDonald’s
[McDonald’s]
Me: we’ll have 2 Tarzan Banana McFlurrys please 🙂
Genie: *trying so hard to not look pissed*
My real introduction to classical music came from watching Tom and Jerry cartoons as a kid. Also how I got into sadism.
Motives for murder:
1. Jealousy
2. Sex
3. Greed
4. Snoring
[camping]
Her: *pointing* What’s that?
Me: Decoy bacon sammich. For bears
H: *tuts*
M: We’re safe as long as it’s there
H: Right…
*later – cut to me eating the sammich*
*later still – cut to me being mauled by a grizzly*
M: I get no pleasure saying this, but told you so
Always the sasquatch in chains in the back of a pick up truck, never the bride.
I just took out a spider so big that, moments after, the postman rang the doorbell and I thought it was the spider.
H: I’m so tired of people making lame jokes about going into labor on Labor Day.
M: *slowly pulling pillow out of shirt* same
*Takes drive down memory lane
*Gets a DUI
I’ve spotted six Pokémon today but I don’t have the Pokémon GO app so it may just be that I need my new meds adjusted.
If you ever find a partially eaten grilled cheese sandwich at my house call the police.
[after Humpty Dumpty’s great fall]
King’s Men: all the King’s men are here
Humpty Dumpty: and a doctor, right?
King’s Men: also, all the King’s horses
Humpty Dumpty: AND A DOCTOR?? RIGHT???
I hope George Clooney dumps his wife so he and Brad Pitt can finally be happy together.
I got a pet hyena because someone has to laugh at my tweets…
*deals poker hand*
peacock that’s just looked at his cards:[giant feathers start spreading triumphantly]
everyone, at exactly the same time: fold
Apparently, some parents are not appreciative of a sweet super supportive air horn during a children’s piano recital.