My god she’s good.
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when you’re the new kid at school and you accidentally sit down at the “cool kids” table
Did someone text back with just “K”? You know what you should do? Stop texting them dumb shit.
Shes a 10 but moves things with her mind
She’s 11.
Your smile is radiant. Close your MOUTH.
So, it turns out “hey, check out this rash” isn’t a great pick-up line.
Somebody give me a house for my birthday so I can live in the present.
Women do things I can’t even imagine doing: give birth, close cabinet doors, etc.
I don’t wanna start the year with any negativity so if you and I have had issues in the past, apologise to me immediately.
My parents bought my kid Guess Who with a timer because it’s important that she learns stress at 4 years old
❤Missed connection❤
You were the street magician who pointed at me and asked me to shout out the name of a card
I was the guy in the red shirt who panicked and shouted out “PIKACHU” whilst you rolled your eyes
That’s great about your engagement, promotion and new car.
I grabbed the EXACT amount of hangers I needed to put away laundry.
Samsies!
[ the manger ]
me: so what’s his name
mary: jesus christ
me: hey watch your language around the baby
Man: I’d like to buy a fur coat please
Clerk: Sorry sir, this is a pet store
Man: I’d like to buy 200 gerbils please
Everyone thinks it’s so funny if my 2yr old rips her dress off at a bday party but if I do it then it’s “inappropriate” & “we need to talk.”
Every once in a while someone comes along, and if you are really still they’ll eventually go away.
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello sir, or should I say *finger guns* soda
wife: what’d the doctor say?
me: she said i gotta quit drinking
wife: oh, do you think you’ll be able to do that?
me: yeah *pulls beersicles from freezer* i got a plan
Girlfriend: “Does this dress make me look fat?”
Me: “Stop blaming the dresses.
If I ever got a horse I would name her Grace, just in case I ever fell from her.
I just spent £16.01 in Tesco.
Cashier: ‘Have you got the one?’
Me: ‘Yes, I think I have. We’ve been together a while now.’
Cashier: ‘Eh?’
Forget a beach bod I want a bat’s bod give me giant fangs and the long, leathery wings I need to rule the night
I take offense when people don’t invite me to events l’d like to turn down.
Typos is the Greek god of spelling errors
If your FedEx driver isn’t hot, move to a house with a hot driver on that route.
Little Orphan Annie’s song “The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow” is a little insensitive to the population of Norway.
*Gets left on read for hours*
Me: “I’m never talking to them again”
Them: *Finally replies*
Me:
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
Make sure you lock your car doors so no one steals your half empty water bottles.
[immortal aliens studying us]
After about 80 years, they enter a larval stage and lie dormant underground. We don’t know what happens next.
This 4th of July, please remember…